If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Friday, August 30, 2002 Off to Missouri, or as pronounced in New York City: Misery. A wedding and $400 later, I'll be back. That's Tuesday in lay terms. Link - 8:08 AM -   Thursday, August 29, 2002 I called off from work for the first time today. Even though I'm given the days as part of my "benefits" for being a corporate wage slave, I can't help but feel terribly guilty and responsible when I actually use one. I wasn't sick. No, I left my good umbrella in a cab last night and realized it just as the cab was pulling away. I screamed, "HEY! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" No luck. The little red brake lights just got smaller. Damn! So this morning I was stuck with this old-timey red model that I don't even know how I acquired. I would never own such a thing. First, it has a wooden handle, one has to open it manually and it's red. When buying umbrellas, I always get an auto open black jobbie. Always. But somehow, there in my apartment, rest a lone red, archaic umbrella.Once I stepped foot outside I knew I was in for one heck of a commute. That was before I opened Carrot Top. I struggled with the contraption and managed to open it only to discover it covered nothing. Well, nothing except my head. No wonder its original owner abandoned it. In a drizzle it would have been fine. Today, it was not. Everything except the uppermost portion of my scalp was drenched in less than a block. I forfeited. Turned around and worked from home out of pure guilt till noon. You've heard of someone burning a candle at both ends. Well mine happens to be a wee little tea light with about eight wicks. I'm this close to a nervous breakdown. Link - 4:32 PM -   Wednesday, August 28, 2002 Kvetching Shoes that make flip flop sounds should be banned from the office. Flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop flip flop. All day long. It's water torture 21st Century style. I'm going to start confessing things that aren't even true. "YES! It was me who finished the coffee and didn't start a new batch! It was me! Now make it stop...pleeeeeeezzzzzze!" Can I just say for the record: I HATE SPEAKER PHONES! Am I yelling? Why, of course, because that's what you do with speaker phones, you yell...everybody yells!Discretion must be a thing of the past; like the days of mutton sleeves and ascots. Seriously. Actual telephone conversations on speaker or otherwise that I shouldn't have heard, but did: * I'm spotting and in the early stages of menopause...yes, I did and that medicine gave me diarrhea which is worse than the other medicine which made me constipated. * You say it's not unusual for you to touch and hug your employees? Right. And you have touched and hugged *so-and-so* on numerous occasions without complaint? On these occasions was it usually with or without porn visible on your computer screen? * You effing *&%#@ you can't do this to me! I am divorcing you, so you are no longer allowed to use my country club account! Sadly, I do not lie. Link - 8:32 PM -   Tuesday, August 27, 2002 In the hopes that it is true that what comes around goes around, I returned the favor bestowed unto me as reported in my August 13, 2002 post. I moved from my usual lunchtime seat due to two MTV reporters --like omigod, they are SO young!-- needing my coveted space in the Channel Gardens of Rockefeller Center. I then parked myself on the bench facing Fifth Avenue and Saks--an excellent spot for people watching. On an average day, one can spot someone of note amidst the tourists and fabulous New Yorkers. My most recent sightings have been Michael Richards looking extremely dazed and confused and Stone Phillips ever-so-politely rebuffing a female fan. Today, however, I saw a woman get crapped on by a pigeon. Her instant and involuntary reaction was to put her hand on her head and touch whatever had just landed there. Not a good idea. She stopped in her tracks and let out a small scream which caused her male companion some obvious angst. The pair stood there frozen in their tracks unable to think of exactly the best way to handle this. They had nothing with them to clean her hand and were looking for a place to go in the very, very well-trafficked area. In that instant, I dipped into my purse and whipped out a trusty Lever 2000 anti-bacterial and moisturizing wipe for her use and volunteered this note, "You may think it's just pigeon sh*t, but that's good luck!" I hope for her sake it's true. I went to Cilantro for dinner the other night. Fabulous mussels (the sauce was out of this world) and salsa and plantains and, oh my, just everything was dee-lish. What I liked most was the corn that came with Heidi's dish. It had been cut directly off the cob so that some kernels were still attached in perfect little rows. It reminded me of childhood summertimes when I stayed with my mom's parents in Tulsa and my grandpa would take his knife and shave my cob for me. So deft and quick he was. I would stare intently as though he were performing delicate vegetable surgery. His corn always tasted better and always will. I sure picked a stewpid time to change servers. After much frustration, all seems to be in order. I'm still not pleased with the blog page colors and such, but---now brace yourselves, as this might come as a shock to some of you---everything can't be perfect. ACK! I know, I know...you're saying, "But you're perfect, Kambri." Alas, I am not. Don't be upset over this news, I don't want you to get all addicted to Xanex over this, but it is true. I am not perfect either. There. Said. Done! Now let's get on with our lives. Link - 8:03 PM -   Thursday, August 22, 2002 On Tuesday while I was busy writing about a 1963 musical, Greg was busy meeting Harriet Harris. She is an excellent actress who happens to be from Texas and seemed interested to learn about Tex in the City. Further, she was pleased to learn that she was even listed on our company's website. These Texans are everywhere and we have great potential. I just wish we had capital in the form of millions that could set this fast rolling ball down the path of success.Why can't I be one of those women who marry for money? Why did my parents have to be so poor that they could only give me morals and Chic jeans instead of a sense of entitlement and Gloria Vanderbelts like I wanted? Who wants stupid morals anyway?! Wisecraking earlier today, I threatened to marry a frail and decrepit billionaire a la Anna Nicole Smith but would do it better because I wouldn't splurge my fortune on painkillers and tacky dresses. Maybe Anna's not such a dumb bunny after all.....Naaahhh! Girl #1's side of the conversation to Girl #2: "I don't want to be greedy and take the whole kit and caboodle. I'll settle for just the kit or maybe even the caboodle. Hell, I'm sure I'd be fine with just the caboo. Oh, forget it. Just never mind. I don't want it. You take it. No, really, I'll be fine. Are you sure? Really? Gee, thanks!!!!" Girl #1 seen scampering away with the whole kit and caboodle. Girl #2 mumbles to herself: "Selfish b*tch." What is the lesson of today's story? Link - 8:33 PM -   Tuesday, August 20, 2002 Watching a free outdoor screening of "Bye, Bye Birdie" at the lovely Bryant Park, I couldn't help but compare our pre-movie game of Uno to the battles George Washington and his troops once fought there against the Brits in 1776. The scheming and plotting, the small victories and defeats along the way surely rivaled those of our forefathers. The park was also once a potter's field but now it is the NY Library's books that reside six feet under....hmmm...what happened to those dead paupers' corpses? Anyway, back to George and his men. Because of them, strangers and friends in the thousands gathered freely and peacefully to watch a giant sized Jesse Pearson bump and grind in an embarrassingly revealing gold lame' jumpsuit. Surely Jesse fired his agent after that fiasco. Egads! Job Security If I were hunched over my desk babbling incoherently and drooling on myself I would either be fired for drug use or sued for sexual harassment depending on your sight lines and how you look at it. Either way, I'd be out of a job. Lucky for him, there is no provision in Church law to remove a Pope who works this way. I need a new career! And while I'm thinking of it, how 'bout one of those bullet-proof-glass-mobiles? Those are pretty nifty. Link - 7:59 PM -   Monday, August 19, 2002 How many crops of wild oats can one person sow before they run out of seeds? I'm rounding out the eighth year of being a divorcee with no sights set in mind for changing my tax status. I'm just bad at planting crops. I'm a city girl not a farmer. I enjoyed a weekend of fun and friends, some new and some old, and the conversation came up about marriage and children. I'm not so opposed to long term, monogamous relationships, but babies just don't interest me. I know, never say never, but I just don't want to carry all that stuff. Their accessories are too bulky and they take way too long to train. Can't they be streamlined to require only one toy and a snack? How long is it before science or evolution will pop them out of a pouch capable of making mommy a drink and fetching her pearls? When that happens...well, now you're talking! Link - 7:58 PM -   Sunday, August 18, 2002 If I were to have a new career, one of my top choices would be medical detective. Words like Luminol, medicocriminal entomology, secretions, blood spatter pattern and tissue sampling really set my heart racing. Many hours have been logged watching forensic science programs and TiVo has learned my predilection for anything to do with homicide. In fact, count me out during August 26th through September 1st when Court TV hosts forensics week! Break out the Cheese Wiz, cuz it's a Par-tay! What I find most disturbing about these shows is not the crime scene or autopsy pictures, but rather the photos of the victims when they were alive and well. Who says that when you've died a media-worthy death that you can't have a decent press release photo? For instance, when Jennifer Stahl was killed in her apartment above the Carnegie Deli, the media ran a grainy snapshot of her with her eyes squinting, cheeks sunken and lips puckered into an "O" as she inhaled a joint. This is the same woman who performed on Broadway and was in Dirty Dancing and that's the photo they run? Surely she has a headshot or a video clip of her dancing or at least a family member willing to preserve some shred of dignity for this woman. I'm going to put together an "in case of emergency, submit this to the press" package to derail the possibility that any photo circa 1987-1989 be used--except of course in the event I'm featured on an episode of "Before They Were Stars." With hair as tall as an average dwarf and makeup you'd need a chisel to remove, I can only hope that someone would step in on my behalf and say, "Hey, she was young and it was the Eighties!" Link - 4:43 PM -   Friday, August 16, 2002 Females: One sure way to guarantee that you won't get a seat on the subway--don't shave. It never fails, on the rare occasion that I show stubble, I'm forced to be a straphanger and let the fuzzy wuzzy pits show. My ankles are a different issue. It does not matter how careful or slow I am or speedy and reckless I am, there is always the random, errant patch of hair around one or both of my ankles. I'm beginning to wonder if the hair down there grows at such a rapid pace that I'll never keep up with its growth rate. Perhaps those few square inches were exposed to a strain of hexavalent chromium. Or maybe in small clusters, the hairs are uniting in some secret revolution. Soon they'll be shouting, "Hell no, we won't go! Hell no, we won't go!" Damned unions! Link - 7:56 PM -   Wednesday, August 14, 2002 I love it when the train comes round the bend just as my feet touch the platform. Timing, as they say, is everything. Well, I've been on a lucky streak with my commute, having had impeccable timing over and over again. It has been so hot outside and after a brisk 7 minute walk in the oppresive heat, it is such a relief to know air conditioning is only seconds away. The next best thing is finding a seat because I like to write in my journal during my travels. I've been pretty lucky with that, too. This morning proved no different. I climbed the last stair just as the train was coming to a screeeeeeeching halt and quickly found the only available spot next to this young, tough-looking kid with headphones blaring some Eminem. Problem. There was a small pool of water right in the center of my seat. Bummer. Not having napkins or tissues of any kind for the first time in months, I was resigned to sitting precariously on the edge with my journal balanced on my lap. That's when this stranger, now seatmate, stepped in on my behalf. Without saying a word, he fished around in his bag for at least a minute until he pulled out a crumpled old Dunkin Donuts napkin and wiped my seat dry and clean for me. Now THAT is what I call cool. Link - 4:56 PM -   Sunday, August 11, 2002 Shopping in SoHo and the East Village and strolling through Tompkins Square Park yesterday, I had an "only in New York" kind of day. Tompkins Square is home to the first and one of the best dog runs in the City. It also has the added bonus of having a separate dog run for dogs under 20 pounds for which Paquita qualifies. There we saw the ho-hum average gathering of Hari Krishnas *booo-rrriiiing* and the rantings of a yet another homeless schizophrenic *yawn*. Also on view is the Public Art Fund's installation of a large fiberglass sculpture of a dog straddling a puddle of water in which people toss change hoping that this time their wish really will come true. When making wishes, one should make sure it's in conjunction with faux dog urine. Two bums were trying to convince the young man standing guard over the sculpture that they had accidentally dropped their change in the water. Clever--dem bums is always thinkin'. Then there was the gathering of five adult "goth" girls practicing their baton twirling. To quote Beevis & Butthead, "Uuhh-okay." The funniest thing, however, is a spontaneous conversation that took place at a sidewalk vendor's booth. BUT, I'm not sure I should post in this online forum. I can't stop thinking and laughing about it, but I'm concerned for some of my more prudent readers. Although, I think I scared them off not long ago with my use of the words "sex", "porn" and "kama sutra" all within a few days. In an effort to make this site more interactive, I have included a poll in which your votes are anonymous. You, gentle readers, decide whether or not I write about this experience. Link - 7:54 PM -   Friday, August 09, 2002 Big Brother In this City of 8 million, it is virtually impossible not to be a voyeur. With apartments built merely feet apart, views often consist of alleyways and other apartments. When I first moved to New York, I was a bit paranoid while walking around the living room thinking I was being watched at all times. It's a real life giant episode of Big Brother. Greg has a view of Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell's penthouse. Sheila's rooftop garden peers directly into David Bowie & Iman's deluxe apartment in the sky to reveal an amazing art collection and very expensive track lighting. I, however, have a view of Asian porn among other things. I realize that window treatments are expensive. As a renter, I have a hard time parting with my money to buy drapes and blinds for windows that I don't own -- windows are rarely the same when one moves. The young man directly across from my bedroom apparently feels the same way. Being ever resourceful, he has adhered his favorite collection of nude Asian women to his window panes. Now why didn't I think of that?!?! A couple of years into my stay here, I have become fixated on the activities of my neighbors. There is... -- The older Asian woman who uses a squeaky laundry line to hang her damp clothes (mainly t-shirts) to dry high above the alley. -- The young hip couple who sit for hours at their table in a bare kitchen smoking and drinking coffee. -- The large white man who showers with a shower cap (?$%&#*!) and uses a loofah religiously. -- The young couple who used to watch adult movies but now watch strictly cartoons and sports since the addition of a baby. -- The three generations of Indians living in a one bedroom apartment. Side note: Apparently at a certain age, Indian women are allowed to shed virtually ALL garb. Eeeww. So it seems that unlike shows with poor Nielsen Ratings, New Yorkers go about their business regardless of the number of viewers. Link - 7:52 PM -   Thursday, August 08, 2002 Last night at the fifth successful Tex in the City party, I spoke to a recently converted New Yorker from Houston, Texas. We were having a very lively discussion about Dick Cheney and Haliburton, which segued into Enron. He said, "Enron did a Trade Center, pppfffffttt collapsed, gone." This clever little ditty even included a hand gesture. In the same vein that "going postal" is used to describe crazy behavior, will "Trade Center" come to mean the end of something? Is an onslaught of tacky jokes soon to follow? Ohhh, I shudder at the thought. Tattoos. Now what, just what I ask, would possess someone to get a tattoo on their bicep of a kama sutra position? Yes, this monstrosity of a choice was spotted by yours truly on the train the other day. Egads! The horror! Three questions sprang to mind: (1) Why a sexual position on your arm for all the world to see? (2) What do you do when visiting grandmama a hot summer day? (3) When was the last time you attempted that position let alone accomplished it? Regarding item #3, this man has never pulled off this act. Ever. Impossible. His stomach protruded like he had just swallowed Pluto. There is no way he could persuade a woman to do this with him let alone maneuever her into this tricky position. If he could...well, now that I would pay money to see! Link - 7:51 PM -   Tuesday, August 06, 2002 Since my father is out of commission, I am so thankful to have a friend like Jim Hall. I've know him since 1995 -oy!- when I worked in Akron, Ohio -double oy!- and have shared so many good times with him. He has seen pretty much every mood of mine that I can pull out of my hat and still talks to me! Bee-zarre! I love that he is 52 years old and so young at heart despite the fact that his bedtime is 10:00. He, the ye olde Amish boy that he is, has crossed into the 21st Century and gotten himself that new-fangled cable channel called HBO. I'm so happy for him, but it's really a selfish pleasure for me. See, now when I call him we can chat about Sex and the City and Six Feet Under rather than Caeser's Gallic War and The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire Vols. 1, 2 & 3. Not that Constantine the Great and the Byzantine Empire aren't just fabulous, zzz...zzz...ZZZ...ZZZ...zzz...zzz, oh, I'm sorry, did I just fall asleep? Silly me. Anyway, Jim is the best! Link - 7:51 PM -   Monday, August 05, 2002 Speaking of freak shows, did anyone catch the Anna Nicole Show on E! last night? Woah! After leaving Coney Island, I was feeling pretty good about my rank in society. Compared to the average Boardwalk stroller, I am in decent physical shape, successful, well-spoken, intellegent and courteous. After watching the escapades of Anna, I'm not so sure these qualities make a difference as far as gaining riches is concerned. She was very obviously on some sort of drug during much of the episode. Humping inanimate objects, talking to her "breasts", seducing the camera she called "Big Boy" and climbing into empty tubs were just a few of the ridiculous goings-on in the life of the former Guess? model. You know E! has a smash hit when they advertise the show like this: "It's not meant to be funny, it just is" and "Entertainment, yes...educational, no." I was gaping with lips curled and mouth open in pure disgust as I added it to my TiVo Season Pass. God bless America. Link - 10:49 AM -   Sunday, August 04, 2002 Coney Island is synonymous with freak show. They could just charge admission as soon as you step out of the subway car because that's when the entertainment really begins. Step right up for an abundance of anomolies to delight and amaze the curious! I was repulsed and mesmerized simultaneously at the glimpses of open wounds, piercings gone wrong, exposed gluttonous flesh, dental nightmares and bad genes reproduced at alarming rates. I winced, flinched, shivered, and shuddered; I was petrified and horrified and I never even made it to the Circus Sideshow. It seemed redundant. Walking home from the subway yesterday with Marc and Adam, I passed a raw chicken leg on the sidewalk. A fat, pink meaty portion melting to the concrete. I didn't have the heart to tell him what had happened to the wing not so long ago. Link - 7:49 PM -   Friday, August 02, 2002 Remember my June 26th post about the whole breast-feeding movement? Well, I'm not sure what to make of this. What in the Sam Hill is all the fuss? Books, organizations, world records...I'm apparently oblivious to a key demographic in this country! Wednesday night I got another *free* Broadway ticket. I love it! This time it was to see the new cast of "Noises Off" with Jane Curtin and free because they needed a packed house on reviewer night. I just saw this show a few months ago when it first opened with Peter Gallagher and Patti LuPone. I've also seen two amateur versions of it and was also the character "Brooke Ashton/Vicki" in Ohio. Needless to say, I know this play too well--backwards & forwards, inside & out; so I found the cuts and rewrites to be a bit annoying. Most were minor and inconsequential (so why do them?), but some of them really fell flat. Ms. Curtain was great as was most of the cast, so I have to believe these changes were the cause of some dud bits rather than the talents of the actors. I wonder if the reviewers know the script well enough that they'll comment on this. We shall see. Link - 3:47 PM -