| |
If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world,
then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!
Thursday, February 27, 2003
The "flood" is gradually subsiding, but am I emerging "strange and lovely"? I think not. More eroded and fatigued. Soon enough, things will find normalcy.
Meanwhile, just think of me as the house in Burnt Offerings.
Link - 5:53 PM -
Saturday, February 22, 2003
 It rained buckets today and I had no choice but to be out and about in the midst of the chilly flooding.
Then I remembered that "The flood subsides, and the body, like a worn sea-shell emerges strange and lovely." --D.H. Lawrence.
Link - 6:52 PM -
Friday, February 21, 2003
I love it when I run into one of those really old ladies that has lived in New York for so long and has never lost her spunk. You know those feisty women that flip off people and curse at speeding taxis even though they look like Granny. I love those ladies. I aspire to be them only without those ridiculous wire pushcarts filled with the day's errands. I'd rather be too drunk at the races betting on a sure thing.
On another note, if I live through today, I'm going to develop a Southern Belle accent and ask things like, "Are you going to bring me my lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?" You know, just for the sheer insanity of it all.
Link - 10:10 PM -
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Yesterday, having been declared an official Snow Day, turned my three day weekend into a mini-vacation. Fun you might think, but I hadn't planned on all this extra solo time and was ill-equipped to handle such solitude. I was stir crazy. I called upon friend and neighbor, Christian, to help me blow some stink off.
In my hasty, I-have-to-get-out-of-the-house-please-don't-make-me-do-it-alone state of mind, I suggested we watch Daredevil. He, helpful friend that he is, unwittingly agreed. After seeing a cheesier than usual Ben Affleck, decked out in a maroon leather body suit with matching bondage mask, beat up some bad guys and catapult himself in the air, Christian whispered, "Now why can't he do that in, say, sweatpants?"
I actually groaned, out loud, more than once. It was that ridiculous. Eric Mitchell, New York Times critic, summed it up best with three words, "Tacky and disposable."
New York Rage
It's been a while since I felt some good old fashioned New York City dweller rage. This morning it all came back to me when I heard a familiar sniff. That bitch was back and she was still sniffing wildly, sucking in faux snot. The trains were late and slow and packed and I'm stuck next to HER again? I snapped my head to face her and glare at her a while before I directed my rage at the woman taking up more than her fair share of a bench and sleeping cozily while we all stood waiting for imaginary congestion to clear. I waited till she woke up and made eye contact with me then said in my most sugary sweet voice offset with curled lips and feral eyes, "Comfy?" And then I was happy.
Link - 11:35 PM -
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
 It seems Frosty the Snowman has had troubles finding work since his self titled smash hit. The fact that he's put on a few pounds may have something to do with it and so, wallowing in self-pity, the once jolly happy soul has turned to the old 40 ounce for solace. I'll avoid the obvious frosty mug references out of respect. Click on the pic ------->
Frosty, I feel your pain.
Link - 9:03 PM -
Sunday, February 16, 2003
In the few years of my young life, before we moved to the shed, my family and I lived in the polluted, sweltering Mecca that is Houston. It was there that I passed the days looting burned out apartments for charred Barbie dolls and their various accoutrement, dreaming of being Evil Knievel (or at least his sexy sidekick), having sleepovers with older boys, and wasting my Latch-Key-Kid hours by soaking in American culture with my face mere inches from the television screen. Although not much has changed, these days I buy my Barbie supplies, thank you.It was also there that I had my first crush on a real live boy. His name was Dallas and he wore a Fonzie t-shirt and curled his upper lip when he spoke, much like Elvis or Billy Idol. He was cool, and he was mine. We had all the passion that five year old kids possess. On Valentine's Day 1977 (hereinafter referred to as "Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve So It Can Get Stabbed Through Its Aorta and Bleed to Death Day"), we went on a field trip to a local fire house to meet firemen and play with their hoses. I drew Dallas a special something to commemorate the momentous day. That's when he stopped coming round. I know I'm no Picasso, but come on! **At 5 or 31.5, I still give too much too soon and am left in the lurch. Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve So It Can Get Stabbed Through Its Aorta and Bleed to Death Day 1977 was just the beginning. And so it is, that I do not celebrate love on February 14th or any other day. **For the record, I did pee on the floor that day. That could have turned him off. I don't know. You'd have to ask Dallas.
Link - 11:41 PM -
Friday, February 14, 2003
So, it's Valentine's Day. Ya-freaking-hoo! I've failed too many times to know I'm no good at romance and relationships. I've got a chilled bottle of champagne left over from New Year's Eve and four dark chocolate covered strawberries I bought from Godiva. I say I drink and eat it all by my lonesome and make my Sims forgo all food, drink, showers and sleep and have them have make out sessions all night long. That's some sexy VD stuff.
Link - 10:39 AM -
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Gospel of Jack 2:13
Jack: How come I buy Kambri lunch all the time and I don’t get any action?
Mel: Yeah, you don't get any action...as in CIVIL action.
A little law firm humor there for ya, folks.
Link - 4:38 PM -
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Scene: Flashbulbs popping, pretty people looking only slightly interested yet subtly posing for the potential photo op. Music deeply thump, thump, bum, bum, bowwomp, womp, womping deeper and deeper. Mesmerizing. Down the catwalk, in synch with every pounding of the bass, skinny mannequins strutting inside the clothing of Mr. Designer.
In one of those minutes while I watched the above scene play out, I suddenly felt an intoxicating sense of relief sweep through me. It was intense and overwhelming and took me by surprise. There, in the midst of all the silly indulgence, I felt for the first time that maybe, just maybe, I'll never be that girl I once was. The one who operated out of fear and worried that one day she would wake up and find herself back where she started.
Oh, and the fashion? Stringy and shiny.
Link - 12:36 AM -
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Not that I'm expecting a gift of any kind from anyone this upcoming Valentine's Day; but, if you were to buy a gift and for some crazy reason put my name on the card, I can say unequivocally that I will not accept graciously a stuffed animal of any kind.
Does any well-adjusted adult woman actually want a fuzzy teddy bear?
Chocolate lips wrapped in red foil, now there's a gift that says “romance”.
Link - 5:36 PM -
Monday, February 10, 2003
So Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin swung by H&M today while I was returning a pair of too small pants. Something is just wrong with two men shopping together wearing full length, black fur coats...in H&M, for God's sake.
Link - 10:35 PM -
Sunday, February 09, 2003
Bob and I went to Zanzibar on Friday for drinks and mingling with Jane and Ari and some other New York City bloggers. We showed up an hour after the festivities began and decided to have a drink and a bite to eat away from the crowd. Neither of us were quite ready to dive in to full party mode with a bunch of virtual strangers, especially without food in our bellies. It wasn't long before a non-blog guy approached us. He had noticed name tags and wanted the scoop.
Him: "So, I'm with a group over there and I'm not part of your party or anything. I just wanted to know how you ladies know everyone?"
Me: "Oh, well, you've heard of the Amish, right? Well, we all used to be Amish but have since rejected the religion and culture and have formed a support group. You know, a network so we can lean on each other in times of need since our families are naturally not happy with us. But, tonight's just for fun."
He was a bit skeptical at first, but then I convinced him to scan the crowd and admit that, yes, we all "looked" Amish. Then he believed me. Bob and I couldn't keep the straight face on for long and finally confessed our true purpose: to sell Amway.
I watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind last night, and I must say it was refreshing to see lots of gratuitous shots of Sam Rockwell's bare butt as Chuck Barris and no female nudity, unwarranted or otherwise, whatsoever. Wow! What's next? Equal pay for equal work? Oh, silly, that's just Crazy talking.
Link - 8:52 PM -
Saturday, February 08, 2003
One of Five Most Embarrassing Moments
When: Spring 1988 - Age 16
Where: UIL State One Act Play Competition; University of Texas; Austin, Texas. Cutthroat and serious competition. We youngsters were on our best behavior.
Witnesses: Hundreds
What: Heard a smattering of gasps and giggles mixed in with familiar guttural noises and high-pitched nonsensical sounds reverberating through the sound system. Look up to the stage to observe a deaf-mute man doing his best gyrating Elvis impersonation into the microphone. A few people rush the stage and the emcee wrests the microphone from the offender's hands. The deaf-mute Elvis doesn't leave but rather continues to perform more enthusiastically to the crowd.
The emcee announces, "If he belongs to you, would you get this monkey off the stage?"
The monkey? My dad.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Link - 9:34 AM -
Thursday, February 06, 2003
A coworker ordered wild boar stew at lunch which I thought strange since I had just sent a fax to a client staying at the Boars Head Inn. Boars Head was the name of my childhood road. Deep, deep in the woods of Texas, it was paved for the first time only a couple of years ago. Someone then asked what my first pet's name was. Answer: Panther. So, according to the formula*, my porn name** is Panther Boars Head. Jack was nearly in tears. He had never heard of this formula before and was so excited to find out everyone's "name" at the firm so he could talk about people in code. Rob said his name is Kip Berkley. Hmm..I think I've seen his work. That name is too perfect.
Oh, and Jack's name? Rowdy East 14th Street. Guess it doesn't work in New York so well.
**Formulas schmormulas. My REAL porn name is actually a variation of my given name. When referencing me in terms of my work as a XXX-Rated Superstar ^^^, please refer to me as Kumbri Screws. Thanks.
^^^For my mother and those like her that take everything literally, I am joking. I am not a porn star and have never been paid to perform any sex act on video.****
****Unless you count dinner and a show as payment, then technically, yes, I have been paid.^^^^^
^^^^^Okay, Mom, I'm still joking.
Link - 8:33 AM -
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
I got on the subway this morning and found a seat near this homeless guy I see in my neighborhood every now and then. He realized we were at his stop (Broadway) and roused himself as quickly as his slow, drunk ass could muster and stumbled towards the closing doors. That’s when the smell hit me. He had just urinated on himself and the floor and was leaving the scene of the crime. I have never smelled a stronger, more foul urine smell than his. It’s still stuck in the back of my throat making me gag and wince every now and again. I thought post-asparagus-consumption-urine was bad. Damn, there are no bathrooms on the subway! Never again will I wish to be drunk and able to sleep on a train all day. Another dream dashed.
Link - 11:32 AM -
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
I really didn't think I had much to share these last few days. Nothing seemed interesting, and I'm not nearly as clever as my friends and blog addictions. I was actually a bit bored with it all when I remembered some of my New York highlights since Sunday that would make my mom love and envy me despite my childlessness:
*At dinner, Joe Pantoliano trying to be cool in a nonchalant way. Yeah. With that get-up? Whatever;
**Swoosie Kurtz, also at dinner, looking so cutsie even though her show is closing any day now;
**The Today Show, Rockefeller Center and 5th Avenue and all the frenzy.
**A book deal and movie deal closing;
**Drinks at The Plaza; and
**An all-access pass to the NYPD's crime photos. Yee haw!
Pinch me. Hard. I must be dreaming!
Okay, so I wasn't that thrilled about any of the above (except the last one on the above list), but I did clear the jam out of the copier, got somebody to go on a coffee run for me and got some Godiva twice without asking. I guess I could have stayed in Texas or Ohio if that's all I wanted.
Okay, pinch me for real this time, because that last statement is just pure insanity.
Link - 5:30 PM -
|
