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If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world,
then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Tonight's free movie (thanks to Christian's one year pass to any Loew's Theater) was Identity, an enjoyable, well cast thriller with a moderately clever ending and a few genuine gasp inducing moments. Yep, that's my kind of movie: free and fun. We are the ultimately cheap couple, let me tell you. We sneak in candy and drinks to a free movie then go have dinner with a free gift certificate. There's not much that we have paid for in our fledgling relationship, which is good considering neither of us are dripping with cash. Is there such a thing as a Date Registry for future dates he and I would like to take? Hmmm, maybe I'll just create one. I could be on to something here.
Link - 9:45 PM -
Friday, May 30, 2003
When a woman gets breast implants, her tits become novelty items. She takes them to parties and whips them out like they're the Deluxe Edition of Yahtzee. As a partygoer you want to partake in the game playing by poking them and squeezing them and thumping them like melons at a fruit stand because they're a new, weird version of an old toy.
But are they too much like Silly Putty? Oh sure, Silly Putty is fun at first, because, what the hell IS it really and just what do you DO with it? But then once you realize it's just synthetic rubber, it loses it's appeal and you're left wondering what's so great about it? Because, when you get down to it, there isn't anything exciting about Silly Putty. After you've transferred a comic book image or two, stretched it and molded it, and slammed it with a hammer to see it retain it's shape, well, there's just no fun left. It's just silicone and boric acid masquerading as a real toy, except real toys don't require an FAQ's page or anesthesia. And despite the semitransparent gold glitter dice, flocked dice tray, and leatherette dice cup, original Yahtzee is played by the same rules as the Deluxe Edition. The only thing different is how much you paid for the game.
Link - 4:42 PM -
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Just because
Ten things you didn't know about me:
1. I read magazines back to front.
2. Most of my immediate family are deaf-mutes.
3. I got whipped with a leather belt for (a) saying I hated someone; (b) pouting at losing Wahoo; and (c) laughing at my brother for getting whipped with a leather belt.
4. I'm fixated on sudden death, dismemberment, serial killers, forensic photos/files/cases, horror films and rotten.com.
5. I don't watch nature shows any more because they make me sob uncontrollably.
6. I lived in a tin shed, then a trailer, then a tin shed again after the trailer got repossessed.
7. I stole a girl's purse.
8. I drink almost two gallons of water a day.
9. I started working as a busboy at a yacht club at the age of 13.
10. I curse like a drunken sailor.
Link - 3:41 PM -
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
What is it with old flames or crushes who sporadically float in and out of your life or hover about merely to interject overt sexual flirtation and innuendo? Why do they do this? Is it to assure themselves that, yes, someone at some point found them sexually attractive without the lingering threat of developing a deeper relationship?
You know what I say to them? "Get the fuck out already with your Hang-Around-Self." Because you know what they’re doing? They’re sabotaging any chance at real closeness with whomever is unlucky enough to have them as a mate and undermining your value by pigeonholing you as nothing more a temporary ego fix that’s not worth the investment of real energy or time. You exist when they're feeling low* and it’s convenient for them. And, if you're in a relationship with someone else, well they just ignore that little fact. They don't respect you, so why would they respect your relationship?
Exception: If you actually do something noteworthy or are riding the wave of success, well guess who will suddenly be your good, close friend?
*Sometimes, if they know (in their eyes, at least) they are superior to you (be it in the category of beauty, brains or the combination of both), they are merely dangling a tasty carrot in front of you knowing that they are (to you, at least) an irresistible treat. Again, boosting their ego. They will continue to tease you without the intention of ever giving you a taste, unless of course the aforementioned Exception is in effect.
Well, guess what Hang-Around-Self? You're pathetic. So, yeah. Leave. Now.
Link - 3:41 PM -
Monday, May 26, 2003
This morning I woke up because it was quiet. I'm talking the morning after the Night of the Comet quiet. No rain, no wind, no babies crying or dog barking in the distance, no cars whizzing past, no cabbies honking and no gang of teenagers speaking Spanish outside my bedroom window. Nothing. The countryside isn't as quiet as it was this morning in Astoria. I lay in bed for about 30 minutes straining to hear something, anything. Nothing. I determined, yes, it is true, I am alone on another holiday. So, I peeled myself out of bed and turned on Game Show Network (hereinafter referred to as "GSN").
I ate an apple danish, an entire canister of Salt & Vinegar Pringles, drank two large coffees and a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, laughed and screamed at old episodes of Match Game and Pyramid, and got skeeved out by a smarmy Richard Dawson...all before 3:00.
When the rest of the country is spending time with family and you're sans the necessary ingredient, there simply isn't anything else to do.
Or, so I thought.
I have since discovered the joys of the GSN's interactive gaming option. Oh, sweet Jesus, thank you for cable modems and Macromedia flash plug-ins. The Richard Dawson Kiss-O-Meter is just icing on the cake.
I must note, I get way too emotionally invested in the outcome of the show. I literally scream, jump up out of my seat, laugh heartily and loudly and say things like:
NO WAY!
GET OUT!
WHAAATTTT????
What an IDIOT!!!!
All for someone who is wearing plaid pants and a fat tie with diagonal stripes and giant, poofy hair because those things are in still in style; because these shows have happened well over twenty years ago, and yet I'm still thrilled when they win and oh so sorry to see them lose.
God, I can't wait to go back to work.
P.S. My radiator is spewing heat. Yes, that's right, HEAT on Memorial Day. Jealous much?
Link - 6:47 PM -
Sunday, May 25, 2003
My tub is miserably clogged and Liquid Plumber doesn't do what it professes. I need to call my Super, but I'd rather shower in ankle deep stagnant water than come face to face with him. Why, oh why, dear God, did Stevie Wonder's I Wish have to be so fun and funky?
So after last night's dinner and show (one of the best dates EVER) we came back to Astoria for a beer at Gibney's and dessert at my place. We were having such a great conversation, we completely missed Christian's appearance as "Chad" in the "Mad Real World" episode of Chappelle's Show. It wasn't until the closing credits when Christian heard a familiar sound that we directed our attention to the television screen. Ah, well, they'll air it again I'm sure. Meanwhile, read all about him here in Backstage's "Spotlight On Comedy: Comedy Best Bets 2003 - 10 Standout Stand-Ups Worth Watching."
Link - 8:51 PM -
Friday, May 23, 2003
My boss left for his home in the Hamptons for the holiday weekend, so I went to work early and perched my patootie on his window ledge and heard Matchbox 20 rock it. They sounded fantastic. (It's hard for any performer to sound good out there in the plaza because of the poor acoustics. Just ask Ricky Martin, Sugar Ray et al.) Then I left work at 4:00 to enjoy a free drink here because, even in the dreary drizzle, it looked so enticing from four floors up. Besides, a free drink is a free drink and I get one every day through May 31. Woo! Want to join me? If so, you get a free drink, too.
Link - 7:58 PM -
Thursday, May 22, 2003
One lunchtime trek garnered me these little tidbits:
* I do not like carnations. At all. Au natural and especially dyed.
* I like Gerber daisies and peonies and irises and lilies and most other flowers.
* I do not like it when my change is given to me with the bills on bottom and coins on top.
* I like it when I catch people's gazes in reflections.
* I like "secret", underground passageways on rainy days.
* Very obese and, therefore, large breasted women should not rest their tits on a table. Even when that table is in a booth in McDonald's. If having ones elbows on the table is a show of bad manners, then resting ones elephantine appendages there certainly is, too.
That is all for now, thank you for reading.
Jack's Back
Jack to me noticing my bag o’ food from McDonald's: "McDonald's!?!? You’re not a McDonald's person."
Me: "I know, but I’m going out tonight and need something fattening."
Jack: "I'll give you something fattening."
Boy, is he sharp.
Link - 1:23 PM -
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Cuh-ranky. That's me. I have no idea why. I started out the day just fine and then, I don't know, maybe it was the chilly temperature in mid-May, or perhaps the constant drizzle that is not thwarted by an umbrella because it is everywhere the wind takes it. Or, it could have been the throngs of tourists gathered to see Ricky Martin perform (very poorly) outside of my office thereby blocking my way and forcing me into a puddle. Or, maybe it was having too much work and too little time to be bothered by Movable Type completely fritzing out on me. Golly gee fucking willakers, I just don't know why I'm so annoyed. Let's see how tomorrow is, when the drizzle stops, and I get to see a free movie* with Christian.
In other news, Kayla Solomon was chosen to be the featured playwright for the inaugural 4: Your Consideration Art Series. Why her? She submitted three nice pieces that will mesh well with our mission of integrating social interaction with art; and, welll, you didn't submit anything, did you?*That's supposed to link to Christian's May 13, 2003, entry, in case you're interested.
Link - 9:56 PM -
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Jayson Blair is the Tip of the Iceberg
Me quoting an article about him: "How is the ‘gregarious, warm-hearted, dynamic’ Jack this morning?"
Jack: "What’s up with you? Did you get laid last night?"
I guess even Jack doesn't recognize himself in that article. So much for truth in journalism.
She Wants Me, Right Now She Wants Me
Mary Stuart Masterson was totally checking me out* from the back seat of her livery cab with the HLLYWD78 license plate. She wants me, I know it.*Okay, maybe it was my shoes she wanted, but a girl can dream, can't she?
Link - 6:20 PM -
Monday, May 19, 2003
After walking about three out of our ulimately 10 miles behind several thousand people yesterday, I asked Keith, "So who's in the lead and do they know where they're going? Seriously, what if they can't read a map?" That would have been interesting, forty-thousand people making a wrong turn.
Link - 3:33 PM -
Sunday, May 18, 2003
 Paquita and I joined Tex in the City, 40-some-odd-thousand volunteers and John Spencer for the AIDS Walk. (Don't we make a cute little family?)
Out of all those people walking for the cure, I ran into my neighbor Steve; his large, horny-for-Paquita German Shepherd named Turbo; and a coworker who wasn't walking, but saw our signs and ran over to say hello. Funny things, Timing and Chance.I walked in memory of Darrold, George and Lisa. May you rest in peace and may a cure be found.
Link - 3:32 PM -
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Just Curious
Is it so wrong to take another call during phone sex?
Link - 1:50 PM -
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
What an incredible day. I absolutely get off on giving people things. Really, I do. Free tickets are, of course, extra special. But I get off on giving people homemade shrinky dink key chains, Stoli pens and cards, nights out on the town and things like that.
Then, all in one day, I got free breakfast, free lunch, free after-work drinks and free dinner. AND, to top it off, free Yankees tickets. Damn. Give and you shall receive.
My drink companion tonight is the president of a certain television network. When asked how his job / business is doing, he said, "Since I was hired, we've had 9/11, two wars and a recession. Things are looking up." Let's hope he's right.
Link - 10:12 PM -
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
So, Urban Cowboy is closing Sunday and I've got more free tickets for each performance Thursday through Sunday. Since I know you're dying to go, I'll earmark two for the first person to email me. Just make sure you actually can use them. Come on, it's fun and FREE!
Link - 9:29 AM -
Monday, May 12, 2003
Damn, we are one fine bunch. Check us out. (I'm the one in pink satin and lace.) Broadway and Off-Broadway producers, accomplished playwrights, publicists, designers and many artists, actors, musicians and other fabulous friends were there. Join us next time, won't you?
Link - 3:28 PM -
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Mother's Day Quote of the Day
Mom to toddler walking in the rain: "When we get home I'm gonna beat your ass so you better start walking right." Aww, so sweet, it makes my mammary glands hurt. 
Look what my friend, Mr. Bob Barker, did as a favor to me so I'd have a gift for my mom on Mother's Day. Isn't he dreamy? Thank you, Mr. B., for making my mom tickled pink today. She's getting you framed as we speak. Mine is worn out now, since Paquita and I kiss you boys good night faithfully every night. Can you send another?
Link - 3:25 PM -
Saturday, May 10, 2003
I took seven friends to see Urban Cowboy for *FREE* today. (Have I mentioned how I love being a producer?) Afterwords I was interviewed by Fox TV for my humble opinion. They asked if the show captured a Texan feel. My response was a non-committal, lackluster "Yeah," before I retorted, "But, my trailer was cleaner!"
Two more are seeing it tomorrow without me. I can't wait for their review, since I got into a slight verbal spar with one of them about how when she thinks of Texas she thinks of a black man getting drug by chains behind a pick-up truck. Need I remind her of Abner Louima? Should she as a New Yorker take responsiblity of the actions of other New Yorkers? Of course not. I insist on reciprocity or I'll shoot her with my rifle once I pry it off my gun rack.
Link - 3:24 PM -
Friday, May 09, 2003
The day after another hugely successful Tex in the City event, I just want to grab random people on the street and hug them and kiss them and dry hump them. I walk with a bounce, but not one of those bounces that makes my pony tail swing back and forth. No, I hate that and want to rip those offending pony tails out by their bloody roots and get them DNA-tested for the "You Annoy the Hell Out of Me" gene so we can prevent these gene carriers from reproducing.
But I walk with a jaunty spring in my step. I smile and bite my lower lip and don’t stop when I know I've been caught by a passer by. I laugh out loud and sing stupid songs with the lyrics all wrong and say "Mornin' fellas!" to construction workers and policemen. And if a guy makes a lewd comment about my Pa-Dunk-a-Dunk trunk, I say, "Thanks!" I flash my big Texas smile and the sun reflects off my left canine tooth and goes, "Trrrlllink".
I love my friends. That means you and you and I even love my Amish ones that don't blog like Heidi and Scott and Sheila. And I love the new friends I’ve made like Ken and Keith. Even though it's too early to say "I love you," I'm going to say it anyway and you don’t even have to say it back because I feel that good, and I don’t need silly affirmations to know that you love me too even though you’re too afraid to admit it you big old scaredy cat.
Oh sure, the *FREE* producer's seats for last night’s production of Urinetown the Musical and my *FREE* dinner courtesy of the managers at Dallas BBQ were great, but seeing our friend Charlie Pollock give an outstanding performance and then be such a gracious, courteous Southern Boy to all of our Tex in the City guests, well, I just want to wrap myself in saran wrap and slide down a Slip 'N Slide with baby oil all over me because that just sounds so outrageously fun the way my insides feel. Come on, let's do it!
Link - 11:23 PM -
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Someone found me by searching this. Not once, but twice. Yes, I wear underwear, generally speaking, except when going to the chiropractor, gynecologist and skeet shooting.
Link - 1:44 PM -
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
So Bob and I covered many topics last night that will remain between us girls. However I will share with you the brilliant idea resulting from our discussion of Paquita's exceptionally high libido and how I'm not that good at discouraging her --ahem-- rubbing. (Hey, she doesn't have much in life, let her have that.)
That's where the idea of Puppy Love™ was born. Puppy Love™ is made of the latest state of the art latex and feels like real flesh. Puppy Love™ comes in three shapes to satisfy every breed's most hidden desire: Forearm Fantasy*, Leggy Lust**, Crawling Carousal***. For the low, low price of $19.95 (SRP) your pet can hump to its hearts content in the:
-- kitchen;
-- bathroom;
-- car; and, let's not forget...
-- the bedroom (cue Barry White "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby")!
while you're too busy:
-- cooking;
-- pooping and peeing;
-- driving;
-- copulating; and,
-- much, much more!
Simply mount Puppy Love™ using the handy adjustable straps (3 sets included****) and let your stud or bitch have his or her way. They'll love you for it. Don't leave your pet wanting more. Mount Puppy Love™ in every room.
*Bendable fingers for those special needs
**Specify male or female leg
***Specify infant or toddler size (recommended for dogs weighing more than 35 pounds for an additional $29.95)
****Extra straps $3.95 each.
Sorry, only available in the USA. Shipping and handling $4.95. Batteries not included.
Link - 9:15 PM -
Sunday, May 04, 2003
 Paquita loves panties. Clean, dirty, old, new, thongs, briefs, lace, satin, silk, leather, cotton, small, large, mine, yours -- it doesn't matter.
I've taught her to be accepting of all kinds. Just like that Jesus Loves the Little Children song.
Link - 3:12 PM -
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Horrifying
I do not exaggerate when I say it is horrifying to learn that you have been caught dancing --- and I mean freak dancing complete with the white man's overbite and finger snapping --- in your underwear singing Stevie Wonder's I Wish at the top of your lungs. I know this because after I had made it through the first chorus, I was executing my best stocking feet double spin move only to fall short at one and a half revolutions stopping in precisely the right position to see my building Super staring right back at me. I've never seen him move that fast. He bolted down the stares as though HE had been caught doing something wrong when, really, who wouldn't watch a free freak show?
This was so much worse than my chiropractor visit. I was immobile; rooted permanently in humiliation. I could only manage to scream, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"
That's the last time I open my windows . . . EVER. In fact, I'm never stepping foot outside of my apartment again. Kozmo come back.
Sing with me folks:
I wish those days could come back once more
Why did those days ev-er have to go?
Link - 9:44 PM -
Thursday, May 01, 2003
We Interrupt This Program...
 Hey, Kambri, where were you when the President declared the end of the war in Iraq?
Why, Yankee Stadium with Christian Finnegan, of course!In my typical way, I got *free* tickets to the game and quickly called Christian to tell him, "No, we won't be watching a movie after all. No, we won't be going to the MoMA for their music video exploration montage after all. Yes, we will be sitting in Yankee Stadium eating $4 hot dogs and drinking $7.75 beer in absolutely perfect weather, so get dressed and be at my place STAT!" What can I say, he follows orders well.Afterwards, we indulged in some brownie, ice cream, caramel concoction at Serendipity III before heading home to Astoria for a hot make-out session with a very horny Paquita.
I gotta tell ya, dates don't get better than that.
Link - 11:52 PM -
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