If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Sunday, November 30, 2003 Happy Thanksgiving - Part Trois! Christian successfully "made" Watergate Salad and brought it over proudly in a borrowed bowl. I immediately took a big bite and found it to be perfectly delicious. "Good," he said, "because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to melt down the marshmallows or, you know, smush them..." What a cutie . . . in fact, so cute I smeared it all over him and added turkey and gravy and had myself a big, giant feast before kicking his butt in Monopoly for the umpteenth time. I'm so very thankful! Seriously, I can't think of a more perfect dinner. I've never tasted meat that moist and juicy - - and I cooked it. Do you realize how crazy that is?!? Unbelievable. The next day we gnawed on leftovers and it was STILL juicy and moist -- THAT'S how good it was. Since you'll now be taking your meat cooking advice from a pro like me, I'll give you a meat cooking hint: slow and steady wins the race. --Kambri Eat that, Emeril Whatsyourface. Link - 9:11 PM -   Friday, November 28, 2003 Happy Thanksgiving - Part Deux! --Kambri Cooking is easy! Cleaning sucks! Link - 12:24 AM -   Thursday, November 27, 2003 Happy Thanksgiving! --Kambri "Belle" for a day, (insert bitter sarcasm here) but a memory to last a lifetime! Link - 6:08 PM -   Wednesday, November 26, 2003 Tempting Fate Tonight’s the night. I’m gonna pretend to like children and know how to waltz as I play “Belle” to a bunch of little kids who actually believe in that fairy tale shit that Disney sells. I fast forwarded through the movie during my lunch break and learned that Belle’s Papa, as she calls him, was an inventor and therefore considered to be the town nut and that girls who read are considered odd and should find “better things to do with their time.” Nice message there, Walt. So tonight, as I make my way through what promises to be the two longest hours of my life at the Times Square Toys R’ Us, my turkey is thawing. Yep, you read that right “my turkey”. You know what this means? Christian and I will be getting salmonella after eating my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. I’m actually kind of excited about my attempts and we went grocery shopping together to make it more of a joint venture. He is determined to help prepare something, so I gave him my mother’s “Watergate Salad” recipe and the ingredients. This salad is quite possibly the easiest, cheapest, most trailer trash thing ever, but I’ve had to give him instructions and reassurance several times. “So I just put it in a bowl and stir?” “Yes! Just dump everything in. Don’t think about it. Don’t chop or cut anything. Just stir.” It’s almost as painful as teaching Jack how to copy and paste on the computer. I need to record the instructions for later use. “Open the can, dump the contents, open the box, dump the contents, open the bowl, dump the contents, open the bag, dump the contents. Stir!” --Kambri Just dump it in a bowl and stir! Link - 5:12 PM -   Tuesday, November 25, 2003 Sliding Doors After watching a terrific comedy show "Sweet Paprika at the Village Lantern Friday night (more on that some other time), I made my way home. It was nearing midnight, but I managed to catch the 1 Train as it pulled into the station. Sweet. I then transferred at Times Square to the N Train and was thrilled to see that it, too, was just pulling into the station. Even sweeter! (For you non-New Yorkers, late nights in the subway station can mean waiting 20+ minutes for a train if your timing is off. My late night transfer move was my bold statement to the Gods: I am very cheap these days. Take my buzz, see if I care!) I raced down the stairs and eyed a pair of sliding doors to enter. I made my way swiftly in their direction and then eeek! Brake! Some chick and I nearly collided. No worries, she passed in front of me and I made my way through those sliding doors I eyed and settled in for my ride home. When I got off at the Broadway stop my phone rang. "Hello?""It's Bobbie. Where are you?" Hey Bobbie, I'm walking home. Where are you?" "Did you just get off the train?" "Umm, yeeeeeaaaah, why? Where are you?" (I start looking all around to see a familiar face.) "Did you almost run into someone at Times Square?" "Yeah! I think I did!" "That was me." After several, "No ways!" and "Get outs!" on my part, Bob passed the phone to Wendy and we all decided to meet for brunch.I know it's a bit anti-climactic, but that's it. No punch line or anything. It just never ceases to amaze me when in a city of over 8 million people, I bump into a neighbor and friend after coming home on a route I hardly ever take, let alone near midnight on a Friday after work. Wild. So after brunch on Sunday, we all hung out chatting at my apartment. At one point, I fixated the conversation on Pilates. After several minutes of raving to Wendy & Bob about the benefits and simplicity of Pilates, I suddenly felt like I was pushing a hard Amway sale. "Have you actually tried Pilates? Have you seen anyone do it? Here check out this fabulous DVD set. Really, you should try it. They're broken down into 20 minute workouts and who doesn't have 20 minutes? The best part? If you get two people to start Pilates, and then they get two people and so on and so on, then I get a new car!" --Kambri Seriously, have you tried Amway? Link - 8:53 PM -   Monday, November 24, 2003 Holiday Spirit, Continued Me: What should I do to make Christmas special. Something only he and I do together? Gina: Oh, I know, you could go to the neighbors and knock on their doors . . . Me:. . . and RUN! Yes! Gina: Noooo, sing Christmas carols. Me: Oh. Right. Of course. Christmas carols. --Kambri Grinchess in the Making Link - 6:32 PM -   Wednesday, November 19, 2003 Holiday Spirit I haven’t been wrought with cheer lately. With Thanksgiving looming, I’ve begun thinking about the holidays and how I can possibly enjoy myself. So I, lover of children and dancing phenom**, have gone and gotten myself a gig playing “Belle” from “Beauty and the Beast” at the Times Square Toys-R-Us. This could mean my end. **Lie. Complete and utter lie. --Kambri Child hater and sufferer of White Man Overbite Syndrome Link - 2:20 PM -   Tuesday, November 18, 2003 Serene Respite Jack did it again. He made someone so enraged they called him a “Mad Dog with AIDS”. Nice, huh? Later, the finally calmed down man emailed Jack with an “olive branch” with a link to a daily motivator. Little does this person know that sending Jack something like this only gives him more ammunition and desire to cause hate and anger. --Kambri Assistant to Mad Dog Link - 9:19 PM -   Monday, November 17, 2003 Irony Defined I get more spam that is about blocking spam than any other kind of spam. --Kambri Fried Spam with mustard is the best! Link - 9:58 PM -   Friday, November 14, 2003 A Day That Will Live in Infamy Last night, I defeated one Mr. F. Christian Finnegan in Trivial Pursuit. Think I'm awesome? Yeah? Well, it was Eighties Trivial Pursuit. Still not impressed? Then let me direct you to his resume. Mr. Featured Panelist on I Love the 80s was sent packing! Woo! --Kambri Gloating. Link - 6:02 PM -   Thursday, November 13, 2003 After the reading (see post below), we filtered out into the lobby where I ran into a few of Christian's friends. As I was introducing everyone to everyone, I caught a chick pointing me out to her friend who subsequently looked me up and down in that way that women do. I caught their stares mid point-n-chat which caused the chick to look away quickly and drop her hand as though she'd just been caught masturbating. People still do that? Point and stare? With the exception of gawking at dwarves, I thought that trend died out along with Rubik's Cubes and Atari. It was something you did as a kid, but quickly grew tired of. The thing is, I was actually introduced to this chick at Christian's final Portable Comedy show. She could have eased her embarrassment by a quick wave and smile as if to say, "I remember you and I'm telling my friend who you are." Her actual reaction made it clear to me that she wasn't being friendly. If only I weren't so diplomatic, I would have scooped her eyes out with spoon and sawed her finger off with an emery board. Then she wouldn't stare and point any more. The end. My Oprahesque Light Bulb Moment I was also in a rush to get to the next item on my agenda, so there was no time for mutilation bent on correcting someone's social ignorance. I caught the 10:00pm show of Hopscotch: The New York Sex Comedy and then did some Tex in the City business with the author, Wendy Williams. During our conversation she asked what rate of success we have had with our press releases. It was then, right then and there, that I realized what a success we have been in such a short time and small amount of part-time work. We've been written up in Liz Smith's column, the New York Times, The NY Sun, New York Magazine, the Ft. Worth Star Telegram and much, much more. Imagine if I could channel all my energy and resources into my own company rather than some Rockefeller Center law firm. I'm going about this all the wrong way. I need to revert my website back to what it was (an online resume) and put this blog thing on a different page. Now, what do I call my sole proprietorship which will be geared toward marketing and PR and what should my logo be? --Kambri Feverishly brainstorming. Link - 3:12 PM -   Wednesday, November 12, 2003 How to Kick People! I got a pretty nice Wednesday evening group plan together. After drinks and dinner with Tex in the City, Keith, Ken, Nancy and I headed over to meet Heidi and see Bob Powers and Todd Levin in their reading lesson entitled How to Kick People. Do I, bearer of minuscule nads, have the audacity to critique a $6 show put on by two people I will see again in a social setting? Yes. Because it's good.** If it were horrible, then I wouldn't bother, because why give it a critique with the hope it will get better? Shit, gussied up in Sunday best, is still shit. How to Kick People, however, is just like the nerdy heroine in a teen romance flick, it's charming and engaging and makes you want to love it. You just wish it lost its glasses and put on a little rouge. Yes, rouge in the latest hue called Slightly Cleaner Execution. The writing, is as I expected. It was provocative, intermittently uncomfortable and at all times entertaining. This writing, after all, is what I stayed in the City after a long day's work to hear. Todd & Bob do not disappoint. They are worth foregoing that hour of whatever awaits you at home. Do see it next Wednesday, November 19th at 8:00pm at the People's Improv Theater. It's only $6 and so close to Penn Station that you'll be home faster than a jackrabbit running from a twister.**And they don't read my website; so what's the worry if some two-bit producer / PR guru loves their show but wants it to look purty? --Kambri Seriously, go see it. Link - 11:52 PM -   Tuesday, November 11, 2003 WWF Smackdown! Jack and I had a big old fashioned fight today. Names were called and in the end I was right. That’s cool, because I got to walk away in a huff and slam his door loud and hard, so hard it shook Rockefeller Center. A good door slam is an argument orgasm. It’s the grand finale, an explanation point to end all rebuttal sentences, and my lordy what an extremely satisfactory way to end things. Another moment like that and I might start smoking again. I like to imagine that during this final punctuation mark of mine, there was some sound tech flunkie (a la John Travolta’s character in Brian DePalma’s Blow Out) waiting in the wings trying to capture the perfect door slam to dub in his new movie and yesterday was his coup d'état. His grand triumph; perfect and exhilarating. SLAM! A few minutes later, Jack and I were just as civil as we ever were. Him talking lewdly of sex with his wife (or the lack thereof) and me oohing and ahhing as though everything he says is spun gold. It is kind of nice to be able to express such immediate frustration in an immediate way then immediately get over it. Especially since I was right. --Kambri USDS Champion ’03 and Right. Link - 2:47 PM -   Sunday, November 09, 2003 The Doggie Street Fair actually took place on the sidewalk which made it incredibly congested, i.e. pointless. I did see Cindy Adams and lots of really chic dogs dressed to kill. Paquita's date, Sam, was cute as a button and brought homemade dog treats instead of flowers. Nice touch, but I'm afraid there was no love connection. After all, Sam has no testicles. Please. Next! --Kambri Doggy madame. Link - 11:04 PM -   Saturday, November 08, 2003 Lucid River Mystic River was okay. I hate it when I have the whole "mystery" figured out before I've finished eating my vat of buttery flavored topping. BUT, it was free and there were some memorable performances. Next up, Elf. Attn: Liz Smith; Re: Will Work For Free Before the movie, I dropped off an extra gift bag from the Ann Richards book launch party and a Tex in the City press kit for Liz Smith at the NY Post. I bet she loved it so much that she fondled the gifts 'til her tiny little fingerprints wore off. And my note? Well, it was so lovely, I bet she read it 'til the creases wore clean through. And me? Well, she was so impressed by my gesture and our press kit, I bet she repeated my name over and over 'til she lost her voice. I'm expecting an email any minute asking me to be her protege. Refresh, refresh, refresh. I'm serious, she is going to contact me. In honor of Liz's book, Natural Blonde: A Memoir, I went to the salon and got "naturally" blonde with slight bangs. Perhaps I'll snap a photo tonight. --Kambri Blonde and definitely having more fun. Link - 6:33 PM -   Friday, November 07, 2003 Come and meet those dancing feet . . . So 42nd Street is just what one would expect of a grand scale, old school musical (Here, 1980 is defined as "old school", further memorialized by this photo of the marquee from the original production). It was strange for a moment how un-special the whole thing was. Here I was, sitting in the producer's seats for free for no real reason other than I am from Texas and so is she and all these people around me were buzzing with excitement and buying the glossy programs and talking about life back in Akron or from wherever they came. I used to travel from Ohio with friends and jam pack two weeks' worth of sightseeing and theater into a four day weekend and drop a load of cash. It was an event. Now, it was just some random Thursday in November. I may not be rich, but perhaps I am spoiled. I'm a naughty, naughty girl. I deserve a spanking. So naughty, me. The next time I travel could someone please remind me to pack one of those magical suitcases that are inevitably present in every musical about some naive "kid" coming to New York to "make it". They seem to be forever featherweight depsite someone's entire existence being stuffed inside its confines. I need me one of those fancy things. Really I do. If I were in the show, I would be so tempted to stuff bricks in the prop suitcases one night just to add realism. Oh the hilarity that would ensue when the actors would actually have to lift a suitcase as though it were full. --Kambri Naughty method actor. Link - 9:14 PM -   Thursday, November 06, 2003 Money? Who Needs It! I'm rousing myself out of my funk by filling up my dance card. I find I'm happier when I'm busier and certainly do a fine job of putting on a happy face when I'm around others. I'm seeing 42nd Street tonight for free, courtesy of the producer. Thank you, Ms. Producer! Tomorrow, Christian and I will do some free tourist-y thing like the Cloisters perhaps or a museum. We will definitely see a free movie or two courtesy of his Loews movie pass. Thank you City of New York and Loews! Saturday I'll stay in Astoria and watch Christian perform right there in my very own neighborhood. And guess what? The show is free and my drinks will be, too! Thank you, Albatross! Paquita has a date with a neutered terrier named Sam on Sunday. They're going to the free Doggie Street Fair at Saks Fifth Avenue which I learned about in yesterday's Liz Smith column. Since the proceeds benefit the ASPCA, I don't feel too badly about shutting down a portion of 5th Avenue to browse doggy couture and sniff doggy butt. After the street fair, they'll enjoy a long walk in Central Park and perhaps indulge in a little pigeon chasing and fruitless humping. I'd say that's a nice first date, wouldn't you? It's all free, too. Thank you, Saks and the City of New York! I'm taking all the money I would have spent on going out and buying myself a stick of gum and a peppermint from that deli. --Kambri Better Mood Through Cheap Living Link - 5:53 PM -   Wednesday, November 05, 2003 I have teensy weensy itty bitty vestigial cajones. That’s what it boils down to. What is one to do with such useless appendages? Hey, I know! Who wants some teensy weensy itty bitty rocky mountain oysters? --Kambri connoisseur de boules Link - 2:34 PM -   Tuesday, November 04, 2003 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall I don't get why other people can see great things in me and yet I can't. My personality mirror must be broken. My own positive self image is a vampire to me. I can’t see the reflection despite everyone seeing its existence. What’s worse than not seeing the good in yourself? Knowing what you want, but not being able to get it. Watching “Born Rich” made me want to kick Ivanka Trump off her tower and drown that Johnson & Johnson schmuck in a vat of hot baby oil. Give me three of your crappiest designer handbags to sell on Ebay so I can start my own theater space you whiny, self-interested pieces of spoiled diaper waste. It’s intense, this hatred of my present situation and those with trust funds. So, with my broken personality mirror, I can only write negative things. Aren’t you lucky? --Kambri The un-fairest of them all. Link - 4:04 PM -   Saturday, November 01, 2003 Prohibition Greg & I went to Prohibition the other night. It was a nice place but became extremely packed as the night wore on. Greg shamelessly outed himself as an elder in the group when he remarked, "This can't meet the fire code." We left before midnight and had to fight our way through the crowd. I declared, "That place is the intestines and we're the poop." They just squeezed us out right there on the sidewalk with all the smokers. --Kambri Piece of shit. Link - 5:50 PM -