If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Saturday, February 28, 2004 I Wanna Be a Producer! Paris Hilton is popping up all over the small screen in guest roles. Now that I'm in serious PR mode, I'm going to make myself a sex tape. Then all I'll need to do is get rich, semi-famous and release my "stolen" tape to the media. But, you gotta start somewhere so first things first! --Kambri Add to credits: Director Link - 3:42 PM -   Friday, February 27, 2004 Hello. My Name is Kambri, and I'm a Workaholic. When I'm not browsing the net for girly beard pics of Dave Navarro and sparring with Jack, I'm busy building my new company and working for my first official client. I'm five days early in delivering her new website because of her last minute trip for a very important meeting in LA. I wish her the best of luck and so should you. As if that weren't enough, I've premiered the official Ballyhoo Promotions website (what y'all saw before was the temporary installment). I thought it would take me a hell of a lot longer than it did, but I think I'm just getting more efficient and certainly more driven. I think it was the words of encouragement from Dad aka Inmate #1*3*9**: "How about you have doing with Ballyhoo? Will it get success?" --Kambri Yes it will, Dad, yes it will. After all, that subscription to Maxim I sent you doesn't pay for itself! Link - 12:55 AM -   Thursday, February 26, 2004 Sneak Peak From an Insider One of the perks of dating a "Best Week Ever" panelist (there are SO many, let me tell you!) is knowing what the topics will be ahead of time. Isn't that exciting? This week there will be a bit about Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro's reality show. I have no clue what it's called and am too lazy to Google it. I've never even seen this Dave guy before. As a result, Christian caught a few minutes of their season finale last night. (Are those enough pre-emptive excuses for my watching a ridiculously masturbatory reality show for you?) When I first caught a glimpse of him on my telly, the first thing that came to mind was "So, that's what happened to the bearded lady!" Seriously. He should shave. --Kambri Then he could endorse razors! Link - 1:25 PM -   Monday, February 23, 2004 Just Say No In his latest letter from prison, my father writes this sage advice, "Kambri, remember don't take any dopes and heaving drinkers. please. I'm not smoking & drinking and doping. I hope that you could be believing me?" You're in prison, Dad. You shouldn't be "drinking and doping". Criminals these days! --Kambri Father knows best Link - 4:52 PM -   Friday, February 20, 2004 Let's Hear it For the Girls! In between all the wild sex and makeout sessions, Christian (aka VH1 Poster Boy) and I took advantage of some free Loews movie action over Valentine's Day weekend. Since you asked, here's what I think: Diane Keaton was positively luminous in Something's Got to Give. She makes it look so easy being natural on camera. Of course, this is highlighted when acting opposite Keanu Reeves, but still...absolutely glowing. Naomi Watts was great in 21 Grams. At moments the shrill shrieking rage fits were a bit much, but overall she does a great job of looking awful and sad and depressed. Charlize Theron was utterly amazing in Monster. Never once did it seem like she was "acting", nor did she rely on the makeup (superb) to do the work. She deserves the Oscar. And then there's me, who signed my first official (i.e., paying) client for Ballyhoo Promotions! Woo! By the way, thanks to those who gave me comments on the website. Although it is temporary, "temporary" could mean a long time. So, while it's up, I would like for it to be useful, informative and easy to navigate. Please keep the comments and ideas coming. --Kambri Have a great weekend! Link - 2:00 PM -   Thursday, February 19, 2004 Shoes = Breasts in Winter Boy, at this time of year, the residents of New York are desperate for anything remotely sexy looking. I have been getting the most lucrative offers, outrageous comments, overt come-ons, and overly long leers since wearing my new shiny, red high heels. And that's just from the women. --Kambri They are so very sexy! Link - 6:00 PM -   Tuesday, February 17, 2004 General Observation. Humans, in general, have to compensate for their shortcomings. If you are going to be mindblowlingly stupid, you simply shouldn't be rude. No one will help you. People will avoid you. If you're butt ugly or incredibly "quirky" looking, you probably have to be extra talented and funny to boot. If you're smart as a whip and/or devastatingly handsome, chances are you can afford to be a jerk or a bit moronic. In other words, unless you're an ugly mental retard or a gorgeous savant, we all pretty much strive to average out to the same score so people will sleep with us. Some examples of how an extremely bad quality can be offset by above average scores for other qualities: (10 is the best score; L=Looks; S=Smarts; A=Affability; H=Humor) (a) L = 9, S = 9, A = 1, H = 9; Avg = 7 (b) L = 2, S = 8, A = 9, H = 9; Avg = 7 (c) L = 9, S = 9, A = 9, H = 1; Avg = 7 (d) L = 10, S = 1, A = 8, H = 9; Avg = 7 Based on the above, the following can be assumed: (a) You're a good looking, smart, funny A-hole = I'll sleep with you; (b) You're ugly, but very smart, amiable and funny = I'll sleep with you; (c) You have zero sense of humor but you're extremely smart, nice and good looking = I'll sleep with you; (d) You're gorgeous, nice and funny but dumber than a box of rocks = I'll sleep with you. --Kambri Apparently I'm tired...I'll sleep with anything. Link - 5:36 PM -   Saturday, February 14, 2004 Voila! www.ballyhoopromotions.net --Kambri Hire me because I'm good. Pay me because I'm broke. Link - 10:58 PM -   Friday, February 13, 2004 Gospel of Jack 2:13 Jack to the staff of Shelly's: "I hope you all get what you deserve for Valentine's Day." Hostess: "Why thank you, we will." Jack: "Good, then I'll see you at the clinic on Monday." --Kambri I'm expecting a raise. Link - 4:45 PM -   Thursday, February 12, 2004 If They Can't Make It . . . A fu*king fake doll in a fake life with a fake townhouse and fake career can't make her fake love last. Yes, I'm talking about Barbie. News hit the AP wire that she and Ken split. What kind of BS PR move is that? Two days before Valentine's Day? What jackasses. Why not ruin the facade for all of us. Ken blamed it on the National Enquirer, even though everyone knows it's because he's gay. Barbie & Ken, In happier times. --Kambri Why does Ken have on underwear? Yet another way women get the shaft. Link - 5:09 PM -   Tuesday, February 10, 2004 Gospel of Jack 2:10 Over lunch at Mr. K's, Jack enlightened me on some acronyms I may not have been familiar with: Jack: NFW = "No fu*king way!" AWFKM = "Are you fu*king kidding me?" Me: That's AYFKM. Jack: Yeah, well, we're in a Chinese restaurant. --Kambri MLYLT - SSFD Link - 4:38 PM -   Thursday, February 05, 2004 Birthday Wishes and Caviar Dreams First, happy birthday to Bob. Long time, no see. My dad's birthday fast approaches. Let me tell you, there simply are not enough cards for fathers in jail. I settled on one that said something about how a dad's love means so much to little girls and big girls, too. That seemed innocuous enough. I mean, he does love me, and that's gotta count for something, right? How much it really means to me (a big girl, for those in doubt), I don't know, but Hallmark needs to pick up the ball on this shameful void. Per his request in his most recent letter, I purchased him 60 weeks of USA Today. He says, "You kow that USA [Today] is best news in the world." Whatever you say, Dad, your subscription starts tomorrow. Fun Father Fact: His parting advice to me on first dates,"Don't fuck." --Kambri Verbatim quote. No lie. Link - 10:26 AM -   Wednesday, February 04, 2004 Gospel of Jack 2:4 Jack: "Look what my wife insisted I wear tonight." Stuck on his crotch a sticker reads: "Useless if stolen." --Kambri And it's useful when? Link - 4:58 PM -   Tuesday, February 03, 2004 Ask Jeeves Someone found Christian's site by asking Jeeves "how to fingerbang". If this person legitimately wants to learn such a technique, I have two answers for him/her: (1) Don't call it "fingerbang"; and (2) Don't ask a guy named "Jeeves". --Kambri Jeeves may, however, know the definition of "rusty trombone". Link - 4:32 PM -   Monday, February 02, 2004 Breaking News: Groundhog Saw His Shadow No, he didn’t. He saw a bunch of jackasses with expensive cameras whooping and hollering. --Kambri I predict Spring will arrive on March 20th. Link - 3:59 PM -