If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Wednesday, April 28, 2004 TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2004 Sob Stories with host Christian Finnegan The Marquee356 Bowery (btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St) 8:00 PM $5.00 - NO drink minimum! This month's theme: Tragic Drunkenness. PSNBC, network television's only performance and development lab, presents Sob Stories, an evening of epic tales of trauma and personal triumph presented by some of New York's brightest comic minds.Join host Christian Finnegan and featured guests Ed Helms (The Daily Show), Jonathan Corbett (Premium Blend), and Joey Gay as they share their sadly hilarious accounts of tragic drunkenness. --Kambri Quatro de Mayo, people! Link - 6:36 PM -   Monday, April 26, 2004 Between Two Evils I'm not sure which is worse: (A) seeing my boyfriend making out as "Chad" with "Katie" on the Chapelle's Show "Mad Real World" sketch, or (B) seeing him dress in full drag on Best Week Ever. --Kambri I'll go for (C) seeing them both in one night. Link - 3:38 PM -   Friday, April 23, 2004 One Night in Paris In a recent news article about Paris Hilton's infamous sex tape being released on video, Paris was described as follows: Best known for starring on the Fox television reality hit "The Simple Life". . . No she's not. She's best known for the sex tape. --Kambri Just keeping it real. Link - 2:38 PM -   Thursday, April 22, 2004 FDNY Humanitarian Awards Judy & I browsed the items available at the silent auction. Three FDNY calendar men lingered behind us eyeing some photographs. Judy began begging me to bid on a mounted fireman's axe. "You've got to win this and have it mounted on your bedroom wall as your headboard!" One calendar man piped in, "You'll give a man a heart attack if you put that in your bedroom." I retorted, "I don't need an axe to do that, believe me." From then on out, I had a little swarm of FDNY uniformed mosquitos following me around. Gospel of Jack 4:22 Recapping the events of last night's FDNY dinner, Jack and I shared these words: Jack: "You looked terrific, too, by the way." Me: "Thank you." Jack: "Even my wife kept saying 'Kambri looks so glamorous,' and 'I didn't know Kambri was so glamorous.' I told her, 'See what regular sex can do for you? You ought to try it some time.'" --Kambri He's right. My skin never looked so good. Link - 2:40 PM -   Tuesday, April 20, 2004 To Do List Tonight - PR party at Carnegie Club. Tomorrow - FDNY Humanitarian Awards Dinner. Thursday - Write my life story in 3000 words or less. Friday - VH1 Best Week Ever wrap party. --Kambri Looks like I'm back in the swing of things, just with dark, flaky skin. Link - 10:16 PM -   Monday, April 19, 2004 We're Baaaaack! I enjoyed my days poolside so much that my feathers were ruffled nary a bit when three of the most obnoxious sounds happened in unison: a motorcycle so loud it set off a car alarm precisely at the moment a baby screamed at being placed in the pool. I remained completely zen-like. I sipped my margarita and merely commented on the timing. At the airport, all things that could go wrong did: My bag was flagged for security after the x-ray operator enjoyed a big old laugh with the guard as they eyed the contents of my bag. Said guard then manhandled my back massager. "It's so hot in here," I complained to Christian as the guard got warmer and warmer to the hidden valuable. Point = +20 to Murphy's Law. After that little incident was over, we got caught behind the entire Ecuadorian Little League Baseball team. "I'm glad I'm not going to Ecuador on their plane; it's practically doomed to crash." Turns out they were going to NYC. Yep, you guessed it, on our plane. Point = +50 for me for kicking fate in the balls and saying "fuck with me". After eyeing the 50-plus identically dressed little boys and men all chatting excitedly in Spanish, I glanced back at Christian. The exasperated look on his face that said, "This flight is going to suck royal ass," was priceless. Point = +30 to the boys for proving us wrong. Turns out, the boys were very well behaved, unlike the Hassidic father who sat to my right and his three boys and wife sat in the aisle across from us. The man smacked gum in my ear the whole way. He literally leaned over (to look out the window) and would smack, smack, smack without regard. He took his shoes off and hiked his leg up on the seat so I got a real close glimpse of the shine on his toenails peeking through his worn black cotton socks. Who puts their feet up on a chair when smushed that close to a total stranger? Point = -100 to Miss Manners...that bitch didn't teach him shit. At one point I looked over at one of the dad's boys just in time to see the large contents of his tiny mouth getting sloshed around wildly. Apparently he learned his chewing habits from his dad. Later the father scolded the same youngster for staring and pointing. Point = +5 to Dad for attempting some sort of guidance. Looks like I win with 50 points. Woo! Here's my prize, a picture of me & David Alan Grier in the Improv green room. --Kambri Still very, very zen. Link - 11:57 PM -   Sunday, April 18, 2004 Busy, Busy, Busy --Kambri So very busy! Link - 10:48 PM -   Saturday, April 17, 2004 This is the Life! A balcony, lovely views, a personal concierge catering to our every whim, food, drinks, anything and everything all for free. I could get used to this. We have done so very little each day that I haven't worn any of the clothes I brought. I've only worn a bathing suit and the dresses I wore to the club the last two nights. Shorts? Don't need 'em. Tees? What for? Denim? Are you crazy? I'd type more, but the pool beckons. --Kambri Oh piss boy! Piss boy! Link - 10:19 AM -   Wednesday, April 14, 2004 On the Cusp Once I get projects rolling and have amazing meetings such as last night (I have a secret!), I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. The anticipation is palpable. But even when I score, after all is said and done, I'm always looking forward to the future as though I'll never score again. Now I know how it feels for a guy trying to get laid. --Kambri When I get back from Miami I am going to change the world. Until then, it's all sun and fun! Link - 10:51 PM -   Tuesday, April 13, 2004 Save the Date I am so very glad I went out to drink with Jack tonight and not just because of the dirty joke I heard. I wish I could tell you about the evening without jeopardizing opportunity. Instead, I'll just tell you of something else: Ballyhoo Promotions is proud to be the producer for a fundraiser benefiting the Gotham Knights Rugby Football Club. So, mark your calendars for Friday, May 14th at 9:00 PM when $30 will get you a ticket to see The Donkey Show. Advance ticket purchase and other information coming soon. Christian found this picture out on the web of us at a fundraiser (which I wrote about here): I don't care about the picture being on the web without my knowledge, but it did make me wonder how many others are out in cyberspace. I know about some scandalous pics from a Jose Cuervo promotion I did for WEBN (Bad news, mom. Sorry in advance. Good news is they won't come to surface unless I'm rich and famous. If they surface earlier, no one will care -- especially not I.) In fact, maybe I'll post them to steal the exposé glory from anyone else. --Kambri Another paying client! Woo, woo, Ballyhoo! (Sorry.) Link - 11:02 PM -   Monday, April 12, 2004 Good Friday, Indeed! On Friday last (Good Friday for you zealots), Jack had me call in, purchase and Fed Ex to his Hampton's home, his prescriptions for Viagra and Zyrtec. I guess he needs to smell the pu$$y he's fu*king. Have you heard the news? Two words: Game ON!Rocked with Gina Gershon was a pretty cool mini-documentary on IFC about her going on tour to promote her indy flick Prey for Rock and Roll, which looks pretty decent. Really, who doesn't love Gina Gershon? This came on after watching Dinner for Five in which Faizon Love proved that he's an imbecile. He should suck a very important di*k to get that celluloid burned. Trust me, I speak from experience. I'm joking, Mother. Not that you read this site, since it doesn't call you "Grandma". Which reminds me: After watching the before clips of The Swan contestants, my belief is reinforced that women should never have children. Children should be grown in petri dishes and trained to sew quickly for very little money . . . and fetch me things. --Kambri Sassy. Link - 11:24 PM -   Saturday, April 10, 2004 I Am So Brave to Poop on Myself During a preview for a Dateline item about conjoined infant twins, the voice over guy said, "...two brave baby girls..." Can one-year-olds, no matter what their predicament, be "brave"? I think the words "brave", "miracle" and "hero" are vastly over- and mis-used. --Kambri I'm so brave I don't even wipe! Link - 11:17 AM -   Friday, April 09, 2004 I'm Going to Miami, Welcome to Miami Join me and Christian at the Miami Improv when he headlines on Thursday and features for David Alan Grier Friday through Sunday. We'll have fun, but it would be better with you. Buy advance tickets here. While you're on that link you can read the bio I composed for Christian. --Kambri In full PR mode. Link - 12:09 PM -   Wednesday, April 07, 2004 Three Words: Standing Room Only! Holy cow did Ballyhoo Promotions deliver the goods. A HUGE thank you to everyone who made it out. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Next month's Sob Stories theme: Tragic Drunkenness. --Kambri Oh, the hilarity! Link - 10:34 PM -   Tuesday, April 06, 2004 This Just In! Welcome to the Sob Stories line up: Janine Ditullio & Demetri Martin both writers for Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Ballyhoo Promotions managed to get the show listed on several NYC webzines and a cute little star next to the show listing in Time Out New York. ROCK! OH, and since you'll be too busy laughing with me and Christian tonight, be sure to set your TiVo to record The Best of the Best Week Ever featuring the aforementioned Mr. VH1 2004. Okay, get back to work slackers! --Kambri Seder Schmeder -- Get your butts to the Marquee! Link - 4:39 PM -   Monday, April 05, 2004 Okay, mama's busy, let's get to it. We (me and my best paying client) will be at the Miami Improv next Thursday, April 15 through Sunday, April 18th. Christian headlines on Thursday & Sunday and middles for David Alan Grier Friday & Saturday. I'm sending a release to the Miami press; but if you have the inside track, I'll hook you up if you hook me up. Today was Greg's first day on the job in his new city in his new life. Wish him luck -- even though I'm (not so) secretly hoping it will all fall to pieces and he'll come running back to NYC and beg us to take him back which we will do only after much groveling and flattery on his part. Freshdirect.com just sent me a free trial offer. Anybody try it before? I used to be a Kozmo.com addict before they went belly up. Please, please, please let it last. I can send myself wine! Oh, and groceries! Groceries! Fresh produce and meats and cheeses?!?! I can't even imagine! The contents of my fridge are rotten and pathetic at best (unless Scott has just babysat Paquita for a week) rotten and bare at worst. I intend on wasting much, much more delicious and rare foodstuffs now that I can buy them online. --Kambri This wind can blow me. (Sorry.) Link - 10:59 PM -   Sunday, April 04, 2004 Bliss I hope Christian won't mind, but I'm so madly in love with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind right now. I haven't stopped thinking about it. I keep replaying all our moments together and long for the time when we can be together again. Amazing. I'd tell you to go see it, but I don't want to share. I want it all to myself. --Kambri Go see it anyway. See how generous I am? Link - 10:57 PM -   Friday, April 02, 2004 Tuesday, April 6, 2004 PSNBC Presents Sob Stories with host Christian Finnegan The Marquee 356 Bowery(btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St.) 8:00 PM Only $5.00 - NO drink minimum! PSNBC, network television's only performance and development lab, presents Sob Stories, an evening of epic tales of trauma and personal triumph presented by some of New York's brightest comic minds. This month's theme: Soul Crushing Day Jobs. Join host Christian Finnegan and featured guests Matt Walsh (Starsky & Hutch , Daily Show), Peter Hyman (author of The Reluctant Metrosexual), Bryan Tucker (Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn), Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend) and More (you know you want more) as they share their sadly hilarious accounts of soul crushing day jobs. --Kambri See you there, yes Link - 9:35 PM -   Thursday, April 01, 2004 Shhh, Don't Tell Christian . . . . . . but I baked a chocolate on yellow birthday cake decorated with red sprinkles and peppermint shavings: Click here for last year's cake which was white on white decorated with multi-flavored Nerds. Yes, attentive reader, that does make TWO cakes I've baked in one year. It seems Martha Stewart laid eggs in my ear and made ME the next Domestic Diva. Once I get a patent on my automatic pot stirrer and figure out how to turn kitchen faucets into keggers, I will conquer the world -- the WORLD, I tell ya! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, if only I had a shady stock advisor or, hell, a savings account . . . Oh, wait! I got a new letter from my Jailed Deaf Dad™ and here's what he had to say this time: Yes I got USA [Today] newspapers. Don't worry about money. I will pay you money back when I'm free world. Mmm, kay. I'll start keeping track of my expenditures then. So let's see, I spend about $200 a year on his various prison needs, so if you count this year plus the 19 more he needs to serve, I'm going to have at least $2,000. Jealous much? I thought so. Aruba 2023, baby! Aww, yeah. --Kambri Happy birthday, Christian! You're the best boyfriend EVER!! Link - 12:11 AM -