If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Tuesday, June 29, 2004 In Spiderman 2, "Doc Ock" really should be named "Doctopus". At last night's Eating It I was picked up by an tiny, older Taiwanese guy who spoke maybe four words in English. "Tall" and "beautiful" were two that he really had a grip on. I tried to pawn him off on another very tall american girl but he just tried to get us to kiss. She bolted and he followed me around. I introduced him to various people who would say things like, "You have no clue what I'm saying, do you?" To which he would laugh and dance the twist in place. He must have grown impatient because he finally asked, "Ho ho? Ho ho?" I inquired, "Ho ho? What do you mean? I don't get it." He gestured to me, then to himself and then to the door, "Ho ho." "Oh, no, I'm sorry I can't go with you. I have a boyfriend," I replied pulling Christian in closer. Christian said, "No you can't 'ho ho' with my girlfriend. She's mine." He understood that perfectly. He was out faster than a jackrabbit stud in a bunny farm. Mike & Ken would like you to know about this party. I haven't RSVPd yet, but I probably will. I like Siberia and want to meet more people. I simply do not know enough to satiate my social needs quotient. --Kambri Ho in Taiwan. Link - 10:45 AM -   Monday, June 28, 2004 Let's Play a Game Guess where I was Saturday: (A) In a Ghost Hole. (B) Watching the Mahoney Valley Scrappers lose in the botton of the 9th against the Brooklyn Cyclones. (C) Riding a Zipper. (D) At a Parade of Mermaids. (E) Making out with a stuffed monkey. (F) Firing a rifle at a drawing of Saddam Hussein. (G) All of the above. If you guessed E, you win! --Kambri But the real answer is (G). Coney Island rules! Link - 1:31 PM -   Sunday, June 27, 2004 Mark Your Calendar Sob Stories with host Christian Finnegan TUESDAY, JULY 6TH The Marquee 356 Bowery (btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St) 8:00 PM $5.00 - NO drink minimum! This month's theme: I Was Dumped. PSNBC, network television's only performance and development lab, presents Sob Stories, an evening of epic tales of trauma and personal triumph presented by some of New York's brightest comic minds. Join host Christian Finnegan and featured guests as they share their sadly hilarious accounts of being dumped. --Kambri Visit Ballyhoo Promotions for more info and events! Link - 8:13 AM -   Wednesday, June 23, 2004 Here's a Question For Ya... How can you tell if moth balls smell fresh? Why, you just lift his little legs and sniff! So, I went to Marietta's blog today and saw a link to this article and got this advertisement: Just for that, I'm eating an extra bowl of New York Super Fudge Chunk with the strawberries I've been letting soak in sugar all night and extra Hershey's chocolate syrup poured all over it. Mmmmmm...mmmmm...mmmmm.... mmmmm..mm.m.m...m...it's going straight to my boobies and making them fat...egads, the horror! Take that, Slim Fast! --Kambri Sugar coma...nighty night. Link - 10:34 PM -   Tuesday, June 22, 2004 Happy Birthday To Me! Christian wrote an entry about me in honor of my birthday. It's the first time anyone has really written about me in a personal way as opposed to in a review or party announcement or press release and I liked it. He was really very sweet to have complimented me on my personal anthem choice and hatred of children, what a darling he is! And I now know with certaintly that I'm old. He bought me one of those wire pushcarts I once despised and I was thrilled. I can't wait to go grocery shopping which should definitely happen at least once in the next year or so! --Kambri Odd numbered birthdays that fall on a Tuesday are lame. Link - 10:39 AM -   Monday, June 21, 2004 Paranoid Thought for the Day What does a deaf paranoid schizophrenic complain about? Since he can't hear them, all those voices in his head must be talking about him. --Kambri Eh, I'll leave the comedy to Christian. Link - 10:50 PM -   Sunday, June 20, 2004 "One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters." -- English Proverb I forgot to send my imprisoned dad a card this year, and I feel kind of bad about it. But, in my defense, they don't really make cards that say, "I love you. That doesn't mean I'm going to impersonate an attorney while illegally taping phone conversations in an effort to gather evidence for your appeal in your attempted murder conviction." Yep, that's what my dad asked of me in his last letter. He timed it just right since I wasn't sure what to send him. He even wrote, "Will you do and cares me?" (Translation: Do you care for me enough to do what I asked?) Lesson: Steel bars can't cage the even the weakest passive agression. It is true, a hundred schoolmasters never taught me such things. I prefer this quote by Anne Sexton, "It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." That handsome young buck who lived life fast and furiously was a whole lot of fun. Happy Father's Day to him. --Kambri Last year's gift ideas for the incarcerated dad: Here. Link - 7:15 PM -   Thursday, June 17, 2004 Freeze, Buster! I wasn't so good with the six shooter -- I didn't miss, but I wasn't dead center, either -- but my aim with a semi-automatic was even better than last year. I managed to empty my entire second cartridge inside the center circle. There's nothing like the powerful pop of gun to make my testosterone level skyrocket. BRB, gotta go shave my chest hair. K, I'm back. Anyway, Jack said he would buy me a gun for my birthday if I got a permit. No thanks, I'll stick with pepper spray as my weapon of defense. It fits in my pocket and won't kill me if I drop it. (I'm a dropper.) No steamers for me this year, instead I chowed on a dozen lobster claws. My! They are TASTY! Really, I just needed to rip apart the hard shell of a boiled crustacean carcass to burn off that extra man juice that was pulsing through me. Then I nuzzled Atlas, Justice & Chase of the K-9 unit, participated in the simulator where you watch a screen and decide if and when to shoot (Apparently it was wrong of me to want to shoot the baby being held hostage. Whatever.), and then some bombs were blown up and then we came home. --Kambri "Booze, Bullets & Bombs" sounds like a good title for my next production. Link - 8:57 PM -   Tuesday, June 15, 2004 Ready, Aim, Fire! This Thursday I'll be back at the firing range and shooting for another perfect score. Has it really been a year since these photos were taken? I'm so much cooler now, though. I'm going to wear jeans and shoot an uzi. I chickened out last year because I had imbibed a few glasses of wine. I thought it prudent. No one at the range was fazed. The men in blue kept trying to coax me with their hard metal. Obviously they have no idea of my extra misandrist gene or that my paychecks from Jack's new firm still haven't cleared. --Kambri Jack had better wear a protective vest this year. Link - 11:03 PM -   Monday, June 14, 2004 Shameless Self-Promotion I received three more inquiries from potential clients for Ballyhoo Promotions. I'm busier than a cat covering crap on a tile floor! --Kambri And I wouldn't have it any other way! Link - 11:59 PM -   Sunday, June 13, 2004 Animal instinct fascinates me. How did that tortois (see below) know to come ashore to lay eggs? Or to dig and bury them? And when those little eggs hatch, how do the babies know where to go from there? Or know to wait till night fall before making their trek to avoid predators? I suppose it's the same way my instincts tell me not to (1) date a guy who wears more jewelry than I do, (2) sit down on the subway while wearing white pants or (3) go to Manhattan today during the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Freaky, huh, how I just know these things? --Kambri How did I know to stop dating an effeminate guy who had a secret email name of "FifteenYrOldGirly"? Well, sadly that's from experience. Different thing. Link - 7:13 PM -   Friday, June 11, 2004 Stalk me here: Page Six wrote about it, Ted Casablanca of E! called it an "over-the-top lesbian kink-farce," and now you can see it at NewFestival. Mango Kiss, directed by Sascha Rice, is a feature film about Lou whose world turns upside-down when she falls in love with her best friend Sassafras. Comedy ensues when these wholesome girls stumble into San Francisco's wild world of role-playing and non-monogamous S/M dykes. Featuring Sally Kirkland and starring Michele Wolff, Daniele Ferraro, Shannon Rossiter, Dru Mouser (Tequila Body Shots, Bring it On, Moesha) & Joe Mellis. Loews Cineplex Entertainment 34th Street Theater 312 W 34th St at 8th Ave June 11th Fri. 10:15pm Loews Theater 1 & 2 June 12th Sat. 1:30pm Loews Theater 2 TIX: 917.328.3914 or www.newfestival.org --Kambri Visit www.ballyhoopromotions.net/Events.htm for future events! Link - 11:43 AM -   Thursday, June 10, 2004 Arachnaphobia Now, I know 3-1/2 inches doesn't sound big, but I'm not talking penis-size here, people. I'm talking spider-size. Men, forget those enlargement pills. Somehow turn your man-meat into an eight legged furry arachnoid and suddenly you've got something guaranteed to make any female shudder. Quietly lounging beachside under a canopy, sipping a virgin strawberry daquiri, reading The Devil Wears Prada and nearly nodding off, I felt a little tickle on my inner thigh. That little tickle was courtesy of this orange spider. I sat paralyzed for a moment contemplating on whether it was poisonous and if it would sink its teeth into me once I tried to swat it away. Before I could act, it was scurrying towards my crotch and then my underside then my other thigh then my calf then back to the original thigh all within two seconds. Deft. I mananged to use my book about the Devil to brush it away and propped him on my flipper to take him to shady ground and resumed my lounging after a big laugh at the image of me trying to pry my dazed gangly self out of a sunken beach chair whilst simultaneously shooing a giant beast away from my thinly veiled cooter without killing the offending visitor. Mission accomplished. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, reading and snoozing and sipping. --Kambri Had it been a 3-1/2" penis in disguise, things would have ended much differently, I assure you. Link - 6:54 PM -   Ballyhoo Promotions Online Store If you care to own your very own Ballyhoo Promotions product, you can buy it here. --Kambri CafePress = Addicting! Link - 7:19 AM -   Wednesday, June 09, 2004 I'm exhausted! I won't waste your time talking about the flight from Puerto Rico filled with everything stereotypical. Instead, I'll just say that I had a wonderfully relaxing and fun-filled trip. Our purpose for traveling to Anguilla, as opposed to any other location, was for a friend's wedding. I also won't bore you with the simply exquisite photos of the beachside dinner, the stuffed suckling pig or the party photos. Instead I'll just show you what washed ashore and laid eggs at the wedding reception: To steal someone's line: "That's a fertility sign if ever there was one!" Needless to say, the bride refused to consummate their marriage that night. I would suggest that they spent it honoring Ronald Reagan, but they are adament Democrats. It took her seeing eggs shooting out of a giant tortois vagina to seal her decision of wedding-night chastity. For me it would have been the warning: "Alcohol consumption during pregnancy may cause birth defects." Because really, who wants to raise a defect, and what goes better with tortois eggs than a nice chianti? --Kambri Okay oenophiles, Chianti probably isn't right but it sounds better, dontcha think? Link - 10:56 PM -   Tuesday, June 08, 2004 Paquita the Muse More on the beloved Paquita who is in the loving arms of my friend Keith as I type this from Anguilla: She inspired Christian to write a joke which has been transformed into a cartoon on Comedy Central's new show Shorties Watching Shorties. See the cartoon for yourself right here. Although the dog they drew looks nothing like Paquita, I must say they did a great job animating his joke. --Kambri Paquita is going to have to start paying me for this publicity work! Link - 9:17 PM -   Monday, June 07, 2004 Have You Seen Page Six? A blurb was published in Page Six today about the upcoming screening of Mango Kiss. Why is this so important, you ask? Well, because they are a client of my company Ballyhoo Promotions. You can see this "over-the-top lesbian kink-farce" this Friday and Saturday. Show times and other details are here. --Kambri I'm in Anguilla, by the way. Therefore, I'm not sorry for the lack of posts. Link - 9:19 AM -   Thursday, June 03, 2004 Review of Sorts I received a nice bit of feedback from someone who attended Sob Stories Tuesday night. "I received your promo for Sob Stories and as a treat . . . took a friend . . .What a treat! So glad you have me on your mailing list. " -- Sophia D. --Kambri "A thrill a minute!" -- Anonymous. Link - 3:22 PM -   Wednesday, June 02, 2004 Paquita Borgito Borgato Chorizo Jimenez Look who made her debut in The Onion. Why, yes, that is my sweet Paquita. OOOOOOHHHHHHH I just want to squeeeeeeeeeze her! Last night's show was great. A rainy day after a major U.S. holiday couldn't keep the crowd away. It was a packed house and great night of Sob Stories. Next month's theme is "I Got Dumped" where you can hear about the sorrowful ways in which the featured guests were given the old heave-ho out of love. --Kambri Christian is cute, too! Link - 11:52 AM -   Tuesday, June 01, 2004 Stalk me, here: TONIGHT! Sob Stories with host Christian Finnegan The Marquee 356 Bowery (btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St) 8:00 PM $5.00 - NO drink minimum! This month's theme: Their Painful Adolescence Join host Christian Finnegan and featured guests Colin Quinn (Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn), Ed Helms (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart), Tom Shillue (Premium Blend) and Lynne Koplitz (Change of Heart) as they share their sadly hilarious accounts of their painful adolescence. --Kambri Seriously, I need the attention. Link - 5:30 PM -