If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Friday, July 30, 2004 The Best of the Gospel of Jack Here are some old posts of my favorite "Jack" moments.  For those who don't know "Jack" is a pseudonym for a man I see nearly daily in my office.  Although he is aware that I relay his quips online, I will not divulge his true identity. In no particular order: Today is my first day in the office since last Wednesday.  Upon seeing me, Jack screamed in agony, "THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK! Never in my whole life did I think I would be this happy to see one woman." Jack to Governor Ann Richards, a reformed alcoholic: "Hey lady, move out of the way, some people are trying to get a drink." Jack:  Let's go to lunch. Guy:  Can't. I'm going to the chiropractor. Jack: Great! Have them line up your brain with your mouth. Jack "negotiating" with an adverse party:  "Do you see the words 'Charitable Contribution' after my name? Fu*k no!" Jack happened to walk up behind me just as I was holding my hands out trying to get a visual measurement of what is approximately two feet.  Noticing my actions he quipped, “That's me before Viagra."  After Jack made a lewd comment about a slightly chubby woman wearing an awkwardly small skirt in a voice loud enough she could hear, I asked Jack, "Have you ever been punched?" His reply? "Yeah. Once. In a boxing match." Jack to me on a particular cold day in the office: "Do you need a jacket, or, say, a bra?" A Summarized Story as Told by Jack:  "Have you seen Jimmy's new joke? Jimmy has this letter written by a man whose wife ran off unexpectedly. In the letter he begs his wife to return to him. She writes back saying she won't be coming home as she is in Borneo and has found happiness and sends him a photo for proof. The picture shows her wrapped around a native with a schlong this big (gestures a size of about two feet long).  So Jimmy has been running around the office showing everyone this joke. Can you believe that? In the office!?  I mean, how juvenile! Grow up!  But what I really want to know is, how did Jimmy get a picture of my di*k?" Recapping the events of a gala we attended the previous night, Jack and I shared these words: Jack: "You looked terrific, too, by the way." Me: "Thank you." Jack: "Even my wife kept saying 'Kambri looks so glamorous,' and 'I didn't know Kambri was so glamorous.' I told her, 'See what regular sex can do for you? You ought to try it some time.'" After a long weekend, Jack came in declaring, "Put away the women, children, goats and sheep, I'm back after a weekend with my wife!" Actual cell phone conversation with Jack: Me: "You're echoing. We must have a bad connection. Can you move outside to get better reception?" Jack: "No, I'm in the bathroom." Mike: He's your typical smart, arrogant, smug guy. Jack: I can't stand people like that. I mean really, they think they know everything, they're high maintenance; I'm glad I don't know anyone like that. Jack:  "Harvey is the luckiest man alive. His wife got kicked by a horse and died." Jack: "My pharmasict won't give me anymore Viagra till next week. Not that I need it or anything; it's more like a toy. I feel like I'm twelve years old again getting blow jobs at the Lincoln Tunnel. I can't get a blow job from my wife to save my life. So I cut the pill in half and give her the bigger piece, of course. Then I get a blow job and I'm like, "Blech!" So I put a bid in on Harvey's horse. Turns out Harvey's luckier than I thought, this horse is gonna fetch him millions!" --Kambri Quite possibly the longest entry I've ever published! Link - 10:23 AM -   Wednesday, July 28, 2004 Good News / Bad News First the bad news:  Christian's show time got moved from 8:00 PM to 6:00 PM.  So, anyone who requested tickets will need to get them for the earlier show.  The phone number is 888.258.0661 or visit here. The good news is that he'll be performing with Tom Shillue -- a super nice guy and very funny to boot -- and since it's an earlier show, there should be plenty of seats available. Also, the earlier he tapes, the earlier it's over and the earlier you can either get home or enjoy the after party. Speaking of after parties, send me an email if you're interested in attending regardless of whether you come to the taping and I'll give you the details. Okay, now that that's out of the way... Tomorrow I'm going on a boat with a group on a three hour tour around Manhattan tomorrow.  Yes, a three hour tour.  What kind of boat company would even tempt fate like that?  What if the weather starts getting rough and our tiny ship gets tossed?  Will we have to live on Governor's Island forever? I'm sure they don't have coconuts there. What will we eat? Should I invite Tina Louise?  Would she actually go on a 3 hour boat tour anywhere? --Kambri I am not baking any pies, coconut or otherwise, dammit! Link - 2:27 PM -   Monday, July 26, 2004 Def Poetry Jam I saw Russell Simmon's Def Comedy Jam for the first time over the weekend. It grabbed my attention because this guy of indiscernable mixed race was beating his rap about the plight of women, how men are the root of all evil, he doesn't call women "sluts, whores or bitches" because men are to blame for everything -- apparently even a woman's behavior. Upon finishing his "poetry", the camera cuts to a close-up of two women in the audience cheering feverishly, then cut back to him with a sheepish grin. My first thought, "That dude is totally getting laid tonight." His thought, "Score!" NY Post Items -- The NY Post gave a detailed report of what Martha Stewart's jail time might be like. Apparently evenings after 5:00 PM are hers to enjoy. "...[She] can...take an arts-and-crafts class..." Can you imagine? Not funny, just a "What?" kind of moment for me this morning. I wonder if she would take the class and, if so, would she learn anything. -- What's the deal with all the DWI crashes in NYC lately? Why are people driving at all let alone driving drunk. Selfish morons deserve any injury they get. Unfortunately, they usually leave a wake of damage to many others. Take a cab or the subway, assholes! -- This tidbit is just bizarre: An Iranian man who lost his keys 16 years ago finally found them -- embedded in his leg. The bizarre discovery came after the 50-year-old man felt a pain in his leg and X-rays revealed the keys inside. The man told doctors he'd shot himself accidentally 16 years ago, but had no idea how the keys fell into the wound. Bill Hoffmann, Wire Services There ya go!  I just saved you 0.25 in precious U.S. currency.  Get yourself a piece of gum or something. --Kambri Bored at work. Link - 10:13 AM -   Sunday, July 25, 2004 A Fool & Their Money Are Soon Parted. I don't care how rich I get, nothing, absolutely nothing, could make me buy these.  Are they spun with gold? Are they produced with the blood of an orphan baby?  No.  They're made with 98& polyamride and 2% elastane.  What the fu*k is polyamride anyway?  Whatever it is, it's made by Dupont.  No thanks Alice & Olivia, you can keep your $143 plastic sweatpants. --Kambri Shopping online at Boutique Targét. Link - 1:21 AM -   Friday, July 23, 2004 Performance Anxiety I did a little "guest blogging" on Christian's site regarding yesterday's entry. Nothing like typing on a comedian's site to make you feel like (a) you have to be funny, and (b) you are not funny at all. --Kambri Seriously, I can be funny. Seriously, I'm not kidding. Link - 12:25 AM -   Thursday, July 22, 2004 This just in, folks. Get your free tickets now! FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 2004   Christian Finnegan tapes his 1/2 hour special for  Comedy Central Presents. The Hudson Theater 145 West 44th Street New York, NY, 10036 8:00 PM Click here for FREE tickets! -- Kambri Quantaties are limited. Act now while supplies last. Not responsible for anything whatsoever. Link - 11:30 PM -   Wednesday, July 21, 2004 Yahoo! "News" Okay, so I'm hyper-sensitive on celebrity as of late (and I use the term "celebrity" verrrrrrrrrrry loosely, please trust me on this), but doesn't this seem a bit snarky in a bad way. (Snarky in a good way is just plain old good fun and sells a shitload of stuff, right?) But I guess it beats thinking about this or this or this any day. --Kambri Jake & Kirsten are already splitsville, but I've got dibs on Cameron & Joey. Link - 10:48 PM -   Keep it Moving, People! There's Nothing To See Here! This AOL Search led a poor girl to this very site. You've come to the wrong place, honey. BIG thanks to Lady Crumpet for pointing me to this site. I have many hours of obscure news story reading to do. --Kambri Might I suggest putting search phrases in quotes. Link - 10:02 AM -   Tuesday, July 20, 2004 What is This Thing You Call "Love"? Paquita had a date today with my friend Keith. I got up early, packed her bag and took the longer trek to Keith's office in Union Square.  I was sweaty mess with not a minute to spare.  I blurted a harried goodbye, "Have a good day!  See you at 6:00!"  And doubled back to my office in Rockefeller Center.  At 5:30, I'll trek back down there, pick her up, double back and go home.   As I made my way to work, I thought, "What a pain in the ass!  Is this what parenthood is like?  People do this every day?  That's a sentence worse than the one my Jailed Deaf Dad got!" But then I found myself smiling to myself at just how damned cute she was when she realized that she was coming with me today, when she started trotting faster and more assured the closer we got to a familiar place (Keith's office), when she saw Keith for the first time since he took care of her while I vacationed in Anguilla and when she excitedly tore after him when he left her to grab a phone call. Man she was happy and it overwhelmed me from the inside out.   I would do it every day for her.  I just want her to be happy.  Is this what "unconditional love" is?  If so, man is it nice.  And to think, she's just a dog!  I forgot her toys, left Keith with no leash, didn't pack her food, didn't bring a water bowl and I was late to work.  Thank God she is just a dog so she'll unconditionally love me.  Luckily she forgave me once I treated her to dinner, boozed her up and let her hump my arm.**  --Kambri **I suppose if I were to ever have a kid I would do it for them, too -- that should indicate to you just how cute she was! Link - 2:54 PM -   Monday, July 19, 2004 Dude, You're That Guy From . . . This dating a small time "celebrity" thing is really starting to grate on my nerves.  The intrusion into our daily life is persistent and usually obnoxious.  Most people aren't gracious whatsoever but instead are brutish and rude.  It is a sad reflection of our American manners or lack thereof.  Imagine the most non-discreet point you could ever muster with your entire body, arm and index finger.  Now accompany that point with a shrieking exclamation, "DUDE!  YOU'RE THAT GUY FROM (fill in the blank)!"  Exactly how should he react to that?  Care to submit any ideas?    It could be worse, he could just look like the guy from (fill in the blank).  That would suck.  "So, then what are you complaining about, Kambri?"  Since you asked, I'll tell ya.  We rent in Astoria.  He's 31 years old and has a roommate.  I have a bed bug problem for the 2nd time in 4 years.  If I'm going to share my boyfriend with every overweight, zit faced tween with internet access, endure pathetic attempts made by old acquaintances to re-insert themselves into his life, tolerate unapologetic interrupted dinners and conversation and listen to dumb guidos shout lines from Chappelle's Show, well, I want perks goddammit!  I should be living in a Manhattan loft, walking around in silk panties and maribou slippers whilst sipping apple martinis, my skin dripping with diamonds and pearls and having hours of wet hot sex at my every whim.  I mean, really.  --Kambri  That said, I would take all of the above bad stuff sans perks all day, any day if I could eliminate the star fucking hangers-on that feign friendship for the inside loop or ass kiss their manipulative selves into jobs &/or gigs they don't deserve.  Okay, rant over.  All better now. Link - 10:02 AM -   Friday, July 16, 2004 Updaties The August edition of Sob Stories has been cancelled for three reasons: The assistant to the producer at NBC just left for Athens to cover the Olympics.  So cool.  I'm jealous. The aforementioned producer will be climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro.  (Umm, no thank you.  Hellloooo, it starts with the word "Kill".) Christian will be taping his own 1/2 hour special for Comedy Central Presents the week Sob Stories would have been playing and Mr. I Need to Practice My Set Before I Tape it for a National Television Audience couldn't be bothered.  Now that's a "Sob Story".  Wuss. Pretty good reasons, though.  Wouldn't you agree?    Don't fret.  You will be able to get free tickets to item #3 so you can get your monthly fix of Mr. Finnegan.  Here's what I do know:  August 6th at the Hudson Theatre on 44th Street.  More details to follow.   Sob Stories will return on September 7th.  Let the countdown begin.   --Kambri  Me?  Oh, I'm not doing anything really. Link - 3:06 PM -   Thursday, July 15, 2004 It's a Toss Up A freelancer for a national women's mag is looking for non-experts on a piece entitled "The Best Advice I Ever Got". Which gem from my Jailed Deaf Dad should I submit? (A) Advice given to me when I was 16 going on my first date with a boy: "Don't fuck." or (B) Advice given to me from his jail cell, "Remember don't take any dopes and heaving drinkers please." --Kambri Decisions, decisions. Link - 12:00 AM -   Wednesday, July 14, 2004 Check Out These Babes Allison Castillo & Ophira Eisenberg produce the weekly comedy show Sweet Paprika. I've enjoyed watching these chicks perform for months and months and now I get to work with them as their publicist. I'm psyched to be able to promote the talents of two women who are able to put a smart feminine touch on the old boys club of comedy. Check them out, won't you? --Kambri Oh, and Backstage likes them, too. Link - 12:00 AM -   Tuesday, July 13, 2004 Ruling As a former banker, foreclosing on multi-million dollar commercial loans at the tender age of 23 and dealing with much, much older men in power, all I can say to this is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! --Kambri Glad to be a producer. Link - 10:36 PM -   Saturday, July 10, 2004 O. Henry's Gift Christian & I ran into subway woes on our way to our usual Saturday Double Feature and Dinner Date (SDFDD). We both were unexpectedly famished, already past the starting time of our first feature and much too far from the theater to dine at our usual SDFDD eatery, Baby Bo's. I remembered once having brunch nearby and asked Christian to let me lead the way for a bit even though I couldn't remember the name, street or avenue of this place at which I ate once about six months ago. Gamely he agreed. We walked towards my phantom destination when we approached a pub that Christian recalled as being rich in history. We were both so hungry -- my hands were shaking -- that we decided to stop in even though neither of us were in the mood for pub fare. Ah well, beggers can't be choosers and I had led us several blocks away from the plethora of restaurants located in Union Square. After a bit of complaining on my part about the MTA, lack of proper signs and announcements alterting straphangers of re-routing, the dinner prices on the lunch menu, wanting Baby Bo's frozen margaritas and quesadillas, I settled in to my booth. My eyes kept being drawn to the pictures of the 1985 cast of an off-Broadway production of Gift of the Magi and news clippings and letters on the wall and I wondered about this, the oldest continually operating bar in the history of the City of New York called Pete's Tavern. As it turns out, this bar was established in 1864 and O. Henry wrote his short story, the aforementioned Gift of the Magi, in the very booth Christian and I had chosen to rest our hungry, cranky selves. We had stumbled on to something very unique in our effort to go see Shrek 2 and Anchorman: the birthplace of a classic tale. It's a story I refer to often -- a fact that didn't escape me or Christian. "I love that story. I tell it all the time! I use it as a reference all the time! Uncanny, isn't it?" I asked him. "Really! Strange!" He answered, with an incredulous look. We read O. Henry's framed letters that were faded and damaged from time. We read the history of Pete's Tavern and how they stayed open even during Prohibition. We took photos, paid our bill and stepped back out into the sunshine and heat. And there it was right in front of us, "Friend of Farmer", the brunch spot I had been meandering us toward was literally across the street. Somehow we hadn't seen it despite it's vast size and unusual name. O. Henry, you little devil! You're still working your magi-c after all these years. --Kambri Our SDFDD ruled. We took a cab home. Link - 11:58 PM -   Friday, July 09, 2004 Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control? I'm promoting a show at Caroline's featuring an INCREDIBLE line up of guys who all have some legal background either in real life or as seen on television. Slip and fall prey to the hilarious antics of these guys. Check it out: WEDNESDAY, JULY 21ST The Big City Comedy Show with Joey Gay (Law & Order) Caroline's on Broadway (Broadway & 49th Street) 7:00 PM Call 212.956-0101 for reservations. Featuring Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn regular, Harvard law grad and wicked smart Greg Giraldo, Ed Helms (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart) and DC Benny (Last Comic Standing). --Kambri A: His Personality Link - 11:19 AM -   Thursday, July 08, 2004 Smile! I'm smiling 80% of the time. So people who tell me to smile make me want to punch them in the throat. . . --Kambri . . . or not smile around them EVER. Link - 9:56 AM -   Wednesday, July 07, 2004 Self-Review Being on stage for five minutes after a three-odd year absence was fun. I got a couple of big laughs. We'll probably perform the bit again at some point but we'll edit a few lines and get separate microphones rather than share one. Christian also surprised me with a few impromptu questions before our piece began. I totally suck in situations like that. If I were playing a character and answering questions in that persona, I'm fine. When it's me just being me on stage, I am so lame. I just can't think on my feet without being horribly scathing of the person asking the question, which I don't want to do, so I instead take too much time trying not to say the mean thing and come up with something nice but witty. Ugh. Anyway, it went like this (internal dialogue in brackets): C: "So, Kambri, how has it been dating me so far?" Me: "So far, so good." PAUSE [Am, I supposed to keep talking? Okay, here...] Me: "It's had it's ups and downs." [Evil grin and wink which elicits a few chuckles from stage left where my wink and grin were visible. Okay, maybe I shouldn't imply impotence issues. Stop it, Kambri!] C: "What would you like me to do to improve on our relationship?" [What?!?! He can't ask me something like this totally unprepared in front of strangers! The previous "ups and downs" line won't shut up in my head!] Me: "Buy me jewelry, take me to restaurants..." [I am so fu*king stupid! Jewelry? I don't even wear jewelry -- I don't want jewelry! Restaurants? We go out every freaking night! What am I saying, somebody please shoot me now! I should have said, "This is only an hour show..." ARGH!] C: "So, do you have any plans on dumping me anytime soon?" Me: "Why don't we just see how this bit goes first." So, the bit started and it went great. Next time, we're preparing the interview questions dammit! Speaking of interviews, mine for a Labor Day special to air on a talk radio station about my first job was last night, too. It went well since it was a more serious topic and it will be in a book one day. The edited MP3 will arrive soon and I'll post it if it isn't lame. Fat chance. --Kambri Three-odd years is a long time. Considering that, I was okay. Just okay. Link - 4:24 PM -   Tuesday, July 06, 2004 As promised . . . Here's the scanned image of the item that appeared in Sunday's NY Post. --Kambri Standing room only again at Sob Stories tonight! I'm psyched...and tired. Link - 11:47 PM -   And Introducing Your Special Guest, Me! I'm going to be appearing in Sob Stories tonight in a short bit with Christian. It's about a three minute rendition of his romantic life set to music. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go rehearse. --Kambri I'm ready for my close up! Link - 2:04 PM -   Sunday, July 04, 2004 Got One! Sob Stories made the NY Post today as a "must watch". (Scroll down to the last entry.) I'll scan the actual article tomorrrow which is much more interesting as it includes a color photo of one Mr. F. Christian Finnegan and a photo credit for moi. --Kambri Off to the beach! Link - 8:23 AM -   Thursday, July 01, 2004 Maybe, Baby, It's You Lots of maybes, quite probablys and most definitelys that could, possibly, will happen this holiday weekend on the Ballyhoo Promotions / PR front. 1. I hooked up Christian Finnegan with a Sunday Styles reporter from the NY Times to discuss Christian's hatred of fireworks. Publication chances: 50% 2. Christian, Ophira Eisenberg and I hooked up with a reporter from the NY Daily News to discuss our take on why New Yorkers always buy, wear, use black. Publication chances: 25% 3. I and Christian are to be interviewed for (a) radio spots which (b) could eventually be transcribed into a book. Other interviewees include such pee-ons as Madeline Albright, Nobel Laureate Physicist named Burton Richter and Hillary Clinton. Subject matter is "our first job and what we learned and carried forward in life". I'll post my mp3 interview about my first job bussing tables at a yacht club on this very site. Publication chances on (a): 100% Publication chances on (b): 30% 4. Sob Stories will be mentioned in Sunday's NY Post. A picture might accompany it if I can find one with 180dpi or better. Publication chances: 75% --Kambri Chances of all of the above happening: 0% Link - 3:57 PM -