If you like comedy, PR or the occasional inside scoop on the entertainment world, then drop by for a daily dose written by me, Kambri Crews, producer and publicist to comedians and more!   Sunday, October 31, 2004 Let's Talk Politics Okay, not too much as I really don't have the time to type all that I really think, but here's a couple of items: The full Eminemn video, Mosh, slamming Bush is here. I found my voter registration card so I can voice my opinion on Tuesday. For the record, I'm a Kerry girl (sung to the tune of Aqua's I'm a Barbie Girl). It will be a pain in the ass and my vote won't really matter since I don't live in a swing state, but it is my duty out of respect for those women who fought to make it possible for me as a card carrying vagina owner to cast a ballot in favor of a man who will protect my rights to self-govern said vagina. My main reasons: * I'm pro choice -- there's a possibility that the next president will get to appoint a new Supreme Court Justice. Bush is unabashedly pro-life. * I'm pro stem cell research -- can you really be pro choice and give two shits about some frozen cells that could change the lives of millions? Bush is against research that compromises "life". Whatever. If it isn't breathing, it isn't living. * Both men will take terrorism and our national security seriously. For Bush to insinuate otherwise is just silly. Go to the Port Authority and try to find an employee, let alone a cop, and you'll know that the U.S. isn't on top of it. The subway is another story. There are cops in many stations, but doing what? Unless they can sniff bomb making materials, they can only profile passersby which number in the gazillions. Hmm, that just made me ponder, is there a handy little gadget that can test the air for explosives? * My mom works for Halliburton and even she is voting for Kerry. If job security isn't enough to persuade her to vote for Bush/Cheney, then that ticket must really suck! --Kambri Note to self: patent an explosive sniffing gadget now! Link - 6:40 PM -   Friday, October 29, 2004 Paquita has nothing on this dog As some of you may know, I have an ongoing fear (obsession) of dying alone and my corpse not being discovered for days. Well, this woman seems to have it all worked out: Faith, a 4-year-old Rottweiler, phoned 911 when Beasley fell out of her wheelchair and barked urgently into the receiver until a dispatcher sent help. Then the service dog unlocked the front door for the police officer. [continued...] --Kambri Link - 10:02 AM -   Thursday, October 28, 2004 Mm, kay, let's see... Went to a private screening for a movie Ophira is in called Overlookers. Twas quite good. It did get off to a late start which made it seem extra long, but the performances were solid all around. Don't believe me? Well, here's a review from an unbiased source. (Hmmph, just read the review and saw they said "solid performances".) What is wrong with these moronic celebrity drunk drivers?! Don't they realize they can afford a fucking cab? Looks like Paquita Borgito Borgato Chorizo Jimenez's name is safe...for now! --Kambri I never thought I'd say this, "I wish I still lived in Ohio!" Link - 11:59 PM -   Wednesday, October 27, 2004 Oy, where to begin! Votes in Florida are missing already, imminent danger in Iraq (wasn't the war declared over?), the most anti-climactic end to an 80+ year curse. --Kambri Next you'll tell me they found an island of hobbits! Link - 11:26 PM -   Monday, October 25, 2004 Here's something I never posted on 9/11/03. A few days ago I remembered my Kenneth Cole visit (see below) and wondered why I didn't accept the hug offered to me. Now, a few days later, I found this unpublished post and decided to "put it out there". Here it is from 9/11/03: Two years ago today I walked across the 59th Street Bridge with a heart so full of acute emotion, feeling threatened and alone in the midst of thousands of others. I cried hard off and on for many weeks. A year ago today my big, black movie star sunglasses couldn't hide my sadness and the sales girl at Kenneth Cole offered me a hug. I refused. "It's just a bad day," I muttered. As I had done for many of the weeks leading up to the first anniversary, I cried off and on and ambled through the day and night. Today my tiny dog had her itsy-bitsy body scrunched up tight next to my sleeping boyfriend. I tip-toed around trying to figure out just what to wear on this beautiful, clear blue day. Everything was just the same as it ever was and seemingly ever will be. But for . . . the train conductor choked through her announcement leading us into a moment of silence; Mike's face was red and splotchy from crying; Leeza burst into tears at her desk more than once; and even Jack, blustery, rude, incorrigible Jack, was shaken and exhausted from the memorials, and I felt guilty. Guilty for feeling so happy and at peace with my personal world, for loving my job and my boss and my production company and my friends, for hating kids and having no patience for the elderly or mentally-retarded, for not ever doing anything truly charitable, guilty for being so madly in love with a Chihuahua. When my dad was convicted of attempted murder a year ago, I wrote that what made me most sad was to think that he will grow old and die lonely and alone in jail and nothing good will ever come of his life. No one would know him as he was or care to know him as he is. He will always be fatally flawed in a stranger's eyes; not worth anyone's compassion or pity or love; deserving of a dank cell empty of warmth and filled with pain and suffering. Flawed people died two years ago today. There were alcoholics, drug abusers, liars, cheaters and selfish people, perhaps even a convict or two among them. But they were all victims. Innocent and unsuspecting and their families are deserving of our sympathy for their unwitting sacrifices. I've wished I could swap my dad with Some One who died on September 11, 2001, that was young and vibrant. Some One would be able to hear and speak, be loved unconditionally and would have a future and life worth living. Then, if anyone asked about my dad, they would not hear that he was an alcoholic, druggy, liar, cheat, abuser and selfish convict. Despite all of his flaws, they would only hear that I had sacrificed him unwittingly. He would somehow be worthy of their respect and I wouldn't reject their sympathy and that Some One would go on and lead his life ... flawed. --Kambri Like this post. Link - 11:18 PM -   Sunday, October 24, 2004 Saturday Night Live Synched. News flash, Ashlee Simpson isn't really talented. In case you weren't sure, here's the proof. Too bad SNL doesn't pre-record all those shitty skits and lip synch some remotely funny lines and leave the "live" part to singers who can actually sing. Friday Night Lights ...was NOT set in 1988 Texas. Simply look at the hair and know. Know this, my friend...everything was big in Texas...including bangs. Evidence this photo circa 1986, me at barely 15 years old (wearing my mother's dress, hence the ill fit) with Gary Morris at a football banquet during the rise of his hit I'll Never Stop Loving You . Texas football is big bizness, I tell you. The movie nailed that crucial part at least. I guess I'll have to forgive them of their oversight. Spellbound was so endearing. I loved every kid and wanted them all to win. Well, all of them except for the spoiled brat from New Haven, but the rest were all so sweet and genuine and gracious. How the filmmakers came up with this group of kids never ceases to amaze me. Maybe it's as simple as kids are generally good. Hmmph. Interesting. --Kambri But I'm still not having any. Kids, that is. Link - 1:06 AM -   Friday, October 22, 2004 What a blast! I got the best, sparkliest costume jewelry and a red velvet skirt and pomegranite vodka martinis with red candied rims and white wine and I saw Patricia Field and a man dressed like the lead from Hairspray and lots of other ridiculous looking people wearing really ridiculous clothes. I've never had so many random people chat me up about my top (sexy little number from Bebe), my purhcases, my number, my card, my anything. If it weren't for this raging headache I have, I would feel like a gazillion bucks. Gospel of Jack 10:22 Today at lunch everyone read their fortunes aloud. Jack grabbed mine and said, "Wearing a push up bra will get you free lunch!" --Kambri My fortune came true! Link - 3:03 PM -   Congratulations! You've won a vagina MTV Latin Grammy Video Music Award! What are you going to do with it? --Kambri Throw it away! Link - 1:00 PM -   Thursday, October 21, 2004 Fashion Victim. I'm going to the celebration of the grand opening of the newest H&M store hosted by Phillip Bloch, Patricia Field (Sex & the City stylist) & Robert Verdi (Surprise by Design and E!'s new host of Fashion Police). The invite says, "Enjoy cocktails and hors d'oeuvres while previewing looks created by our co-hosts." Plus we get 20% off purhcases and a percentage of the evening sales will benefit Gen Art. After couple of cocktails and a gander at all the models, I have a hunch I will be feeling mighty generous. I'm no slave to fashion. I'm a simple lines, traditional colors kind of gal. After living in New York City for four years, I've tried to be a bit more fashion forward, especially when I'm out on the town. I've failed miserably. I'm just too conservative and unsure when it comes to taking a chance. I've often said that my one indulgance when I become rich is investing in a stylist. Who knows, tonight may be my lucky night and I'll be adopted as a charity case. Of course, I half expect to be blocked at the door even though I RSVPd by phone and email. --Kambri VIP unless my name isn't on the list. Link - 4:07 PM -   Tuesday, October 19, 2004 Reality Bites (a Danish) I was prepared to trash the new reality show Biggest Loser, but how can I when the every lovely and talented Kelly is there! Click here for her official website. Actually, I'm gonna critique it anyway. To give these contestants the opportunity to kick it into gear and get into shape is awesome. My adoration of Kelly aside, the people are so incredibly endearing that I want them to lose, I want them to win. Kicking someone off after only one week seems so cruel; that person is sure to suffer a setback. That said, I hope Kelly sends their collective asses home! But the sensitivity web NBC is trying weave is such B.S. Don't play soft music and play to my PMEstrual heartstrings as though you're conducting a serious exploration of weight loss when all the while you know you're going to throw in ridiculous "challenges" like having them bake bread and cookies and tempt them with sweet treats. Oh, I won't disagree that it all makes for riv-o--ting television, but let's call a spade a spade here. Incidentally, that makes two of the three comedians on the show at the Regatta Bar to have appeared on a reality show. Gary Gulman was the 1st runner up on the 2nd season of Last Comic Standing. That show was so poorly attended back then. I bet the people of Boston would be lining up to see them now. --Kambri Reporting for Before They Were Stars Link - 9:07 PM -   So I finally watched the Aileen Wuornos documentary. Wow. I'm not sure which is more disturbing: -- Steve Glazer is allowed to practice law. -- The Floridians featured will potentially decide our next president. -- It's wrong to shoot a man who had been convicted of raping other women before he raped you anally, vaginally and poured rubbing alcohol on your wounds and up your nose and told you that he was going to kill you. Fucker got what he deserved. --Kambri Siding with a serial killer. Link - 10:44 AM -   Sunday, October 17, 2004 Guess what? I am not getting married and am not giving birth any time soon, but my MOM is coming to visit! Longtime readers can attest that this is a rare, nay, a once in a lifetime occurance. Mark your calendars, people...this will be a week to live in infamy. On our agenda will include a walking tour of Central Park -- the conservatory and zoo, the Mall (As seen in When Harry Met Sally -- I hope the leaves will be in full color), Wollman Rink (As seen in Serendipity), Strawberry Fields, Belvedere Castle, the Boathouse, um...what else...my lord that park is big for such a small island! What a wonderful gift! We'll also hit Our Name is Mud, maybe see 700 Sundays (although being deaf, I'm not sure she'll enjoy it if she can't hear it or read Billy Crystal's lips, so I'll have to work on getting extra special tickets), have lunch with Jack, and just generally explore the city. It will be her first real trip to NYC as the first/last time she came was with four women (two of whom are also deaf) for only three days in the bitter cold of February. She'll really get a taste for city life this time since she'll be at a more relaxed pace and with me as her personal guide. I can't wait! Changing gears, Team America was HYSTERICALLY FUNNY! Just ask the loud ass tranny behind us. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a movie ever. EVER. Notably, Trey Parker has a surprisingly conservative political viewpoint. Who knew? --Kambri Link - 10:19 PM -   Saturday, October 16, 2004 Check out the latest Ballyhoo Newsletter. --Kambri Link - 2:56 PM -   Thursday, October 14, 2004 Why, yes, that is my taxi cab butter dish from Our Name is Mud! The meatloaf was scrumptious! See: --Kambri MMMMmmmm! Damn good! Link - 10:42 PM -   Submissions Request Guys, have you ever royally screwed up in a relationship? Called her by the wrong name, told her she actually DOES look fat in those jeans? Girls, did your guy forget your birthday? Buy you a table saw for Valentine's Day? Send me your examples or comment below for a currently in-production humor piece -- your real name will not be used. Evolution Schmevolution Desperate Houswives is getting tons of attention. Actually, Eva Longoria from Desperate Houswives is. Because she's a fabulous actor, you ask? No. Because she's nearly nekkid in every episode. That's right. We've come a long way, baby! Sadly, Felicity Huffman will never get that kind of press, though she's highly deserving of the attention. --Kambri Link - 10:29 AM -   Wednesday, October 13, 2004 Stand Clear! For the first time in about six months I'm going to cook. It's not that I can't cook, but with my lifestyle -- single, busy & wildly popular...um, yeah, anyway -- I'm just not home enough to buy groceries and go through all that effort...especially the clean up. I didn't work on Monday, so Paquita and I found ourselves in the local market picking up food items while I was starving. Needless to say, I ended up with $37 of random snacks...olives, hummus, celery, lemons, bacon and a meatloaf. So, tonight I'm going to bake it. The meatloaf, that is. Turns out I have nothing to cook it in, don't have ketchup or brown sugar or crackers, no vegetables to serve with it, no onions or spices. This damn thing is costing me a fortune! It better be the most mouth watering meatloaf I've ever tasted! And Christian had better do the clean up! --Kambri I'm already regretting this. Link - 5:00 PM -   Tuesday, October 12, 2004 Weekend Wrap Up Took a trip to the Poconos via bus. It was pleasantly short and beautiful, although leaves aren't in full color as of yet. I rented two movies for the first time in ages. How long, you ask? So long that my Blockbuster membership had been cancelled, so I had to re-apply. I checked out Love Actually and a documentary on Aileen Wuornos. Regarding the former, I knew I was in trouble when I started crying during the opening credits. It actually was too pat and schmaltzy in the end, tying up its overly numerous story lines but I did enjoy it. Did it make me believe love is all around. No actually. It made me further entrenched in my feeling that there is no such thing as true love or forever in romance. I haven't watched the latter yet, but I loved Monster and was compelled by Aileen's motives. If I become a serial killer, I'll kill men who visit prostitutes, too. Check out Anthony DeVito's website. Not only is he a new client of Ballyhoo Promotions, he is a writer for US Weekly Fashion Police, has appeared on VH1 and is a genuinely funny, nice guy. And ladies, he's single, straight and doesn't live with his parents! --Kambri Link - 1:55 PM -   Friday, October 08, 2004 The Milli Vanilli Incident If this re-print of a Salon.com article is true, then woah! UPDATE: Here's a link to the sound byte. Strange. There's Always One. Today I am participating in Lee's National Denim Day benefiting the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Yesterday my friend and everyone in her office received an email telling them they could participate (i.e., wear jeans to work today) if they donated $5.00. Seconds later, someone replied to all, "Or you could dress like an adult and simple [sic] donate." What a dick. There's nothing that makes me what to participate more than someone balking at the notion of participating. More interesting to me, though, is that this guy must have so much anti-social hate in his heart that he would just flop his dickishness out there for all to measure. --Kambri And, let me tell you, it's huge. Link - 9:51 AM -   Thursday, October 07, 2004 OB / GYN's Doing it For the Love This video made me scream with laughter today. I'm not sure which is funnier, Bush's ridiculous choice of words or the MSNBC anchor's subsequent reaction. --Kambri Link - 7:48 PM -   Wednesday, October 06, 2004 Last night's Sob Stories was quite possibly the best one to date, performance-wise. Although it wasn't standing room only (thanks, Vice Presidential Debates & Yankees playoffs), there was still a healthy crowd (thanks to the special mention in Metro, Time Out NY & Gawker) bearing witness to hilarious tales of penis numbing cream, attempted mercy fucking of an elderly man and an unsuccessful attempt at volunteering for a study on semen. Performance anxiety has never been that fun! Next month's installment will be on the 9th to avoid conflicting with the election. Mark your calendars now -- you won't want to miss it! --Kambri Link - 11:51 AM -   Tuesday, October 05, 2004 Nice Jugs Last night's benefit was a success. Free wine, cheese, desserts and, by the way, jug bands rule. Although, there were technically no jugs. Nevertheless, you have to love any band that has a kazoo as an instrument. I'll post pictures later in the week. Meanwhile, tonight's Sob Stories is going to rule. Tom Shillue (Comedy Central Presents) & DC Benny have been added to the lineup along with Jackie Kashian and Andy Selsberg (The Onion). Oh, yeah, and it was a critic's pick in this week's Time Out NY. --Kambri Sick. Link - 11:24 AM -   Monday, October 04, 2004 Close Encounters of the Jack Kind I ran into Peggy O'Brien (you must watch her two short films!) as Jack & I were exiting Shelly's. It's nice to know that Jack didn't fall short of his wacky behavior I so often talk about. "I'll introduce you to Jack once he's done giving himself an insulin shot in the doorway." Yep, right in the main entrance he hiked up his pant leg up to his thigh and stabbed himself with his needle. "Hey Jack this is Peggy," I say. "Nice to meet you Heidi," as he fumbles with his needle, newspaper and sunglasses. Very awkward. Um, what else. If you didn't get my promo email, tonight's the NPRI event and Hindsight & The Gray Area and tomorrow is Sob Stories. Want details? Go here. --Kambri Link - 3:30 PM -   Friday, October 01, 2004 Jimmy Carter: "The war has been unnecessary". I've been making the same points as Jimmy Carter did during his interview with Katie Couric. Difference is he is much more eloquent than I and is also a former president as opposed to some chick in New York who gets her news from the NY Post. Anyway, I know you've been craving my opinion on Iraq, so read the whole transcript here and let President Carter say it for me. Real Live Mermaids! Last night was surreal. I joined Nick Bayne of Relevant Entertainment and Christian Finnegan for the re-launch of the Coral Room. We were special guests and as such got a "see and be seen" VIP table complete with complementary table service. We chose Belvedere Vodka with all the fixins and settled in to our plush seats and view of the 9,000 gallon fish tank with mermaids swimming about. It is seriously surreal to see a woman "dancing" in the water with a bunch of fish. Every now and again a photographer would come by and take our photo. Christian is not quite used to all this attention, but enjoyed himself nonetheless, especially when some woman nearby started dancing a not-so-private dance to her dorky date prompting Nick to query, "How the hell does a guy like that get a chick like her?" Who Needs a Mirror When You Live in New York? I don't have a good mirror in my apartment and I don't have "fun" with fashion, so I tend to go with the tried and true: jeans and a top, pencil skirt & a sweater, slacks and a button down...you get the picture. I bought a pair of beige wool, pinstripe pants the other day but had no clue if they looked right on me. I wore them anyway and felt okay about them. Then I passed a group of black men who went crazy the second I passed them. "That was a well spent $79. These slacks are keepers," I thought. But Christian wisely noted that they would have gone crazy even if I had been wearing spandex, sweatpants, etc. Good point. Almost three years ago to the day, I bought a faux-wrap, black & white graphic print dress on Ebay. It fits well, but the print is very bold, and when it comes to fashion, I'm not. So, this dress has lived in my closet collecting dust but still surviving the occasional purging of the old to make room for the new. Today I said the hell with it. I'm going to wear it and let the People of the City of New York have their say. I walked confidently but got nothing more than the standard smatterings of street compliments, lots of "Good mornings" and "Well, hellllooo"s, but nothing that told me that this dress was a knockout and that I wouldn't some day see my black-barred image appear as a Glamour "don't". The horror! As I waited on the corner across from my building, a man stopped cold in his tracks, put his hand on my elbow and said, "I just want you to know -- and since I'm an old man it's okay -- that is one fabulous dress!" It's like that guy crawled inside my head and knew this poor dress hadn't gotten a fair shake. I don't need to buy a full length mirror, at all. I just need to step outside and let y'all be the judge. I'm just sad I wasted three years of getting that kind of feel good feedback from a random stranger. I'm totally wearing this dress to work, clean house, the deli, walk Paquita and pick up poop, day and night, in bed, out of bed, all over the place. --Kambri Answer to Nick: Money. Link - 10:47 AM -